Bienvenue, 2019.

For what it’s worth... it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

The kisses have been kissed, the champagne has been drunk, the hangovers have been nursed, the black eyed peas have been eaten, and now we’re all setting into the new year. Bienvenue, 2019.

2018 was an odd year for me, and I’m not sure how I feel about it - even though I’ve attempted to reflect on it multiple times over the past six weeks. 2018 was full of deep spiritual lessons, massive upheaval and uncertainty… But, because the unbearable pain of previous years full of change and uncertainty wasn’t present I still have this feeling that 2018 was good…even if it was bad. I took my first expensive international vacation, I spent countless hours with friends, I took two road trips, I met new people, did new things, did a lot of freelance writing, hosted my first live streams, sprained my wrist, returned to the stage… But, I also feel like I was stagnant and didn’t do anything. I think not setting goals at the beginning of 2018 bit me in the end - I had nothing to look back on and measure against. 2018 allowed me to lay a strong foundation for the things that are to come, and in 2019 I am going to begin building.

Going into 2019 I’ve seen a lot of people lambasting a “New Year, New Me” mindset. While it’s true that you can choose to change and start over at any time, and that the calendar doesn’t wait for anyone - there’s also something lovely and refreshing to me to look at the beginning of the calendar year as a reset. I love a little self-reflection. I love seeing where I was, where I am, and where I want to go. I regularly reflect and set goals and assess. Why wouldn’t I want to start my year with that energy? It’s unfortunate to me that so many people see it as a cliche now and discount the efforts of others, or their own potential for change. Something about taking a deep breath in the midst of winter, when the world is quiet, and deciding who you want to be in the Spring when the world is new is - beautiful. I’ve decided that this year for me is about creation, manifestation and self-expression… And I will be setting goals for 2019.

I decided mid-way through December that in 2019 I wanted to be specific about what I want, be present, have complete confidence, finish what I start, and take action immediately in the upcoming year. But, it still didn’t feel like enough - it was a foundation that needed to be built on…the theme of 2018. I wanted to establish new habits (or renew old ones that have fallen by the wayside), and I wanted to passionately focus on health and self-compassion (not just love or care). By January 2nd, two different goal achieving plans fell into my lap. My friends Diana, Yvette, and I (along with others I’m sure), will be embarking on the Whole Life Challenge starting January 19th. Focusing on 8 daily habits; nutrition, exercise, mobility, sleep, hydration, well-being, reflection, and reading - we are challenging ourselves to build and sustain new habits for six weeks. I’m very excited.

While I was looking into Whole Life Challenge, my friend Zakk turned me onto Level 10 Life. I know nothing about the blog I pulled this info from, and I didn't read the book that this stems from - but, after a quick scan of this webpage (one of the first Google results for 'Level 10 Life'), I fell in with the idea of it.

“If we’re measuring our levels of success/satisfaction in any area of our lives, we all want to be living our best lives at a ‘Level 10’ in each area; Family & Friends, Personal Development, Spirituality, Finances, Career & Business, Significant Other/Romance, Fun & Recreation, Giving & Contribution, Physical Environment, Health & Fitness.

I want to live my Level 10 Life. Who doesn’t? How often do we joke about living our best lives? I was in. Creating your ‘Level 10 Life’ begins with creating an honest assessment of where you are. Utilizing the 'Wheel of Life Assessment’, a circle graph that is divided into 10 sections — one for each major area of focus in your life, you take a ‘gut feeling’ assessment of how satisfied you are in each of your 10 areas of focus. This gives you a glimpse at your life satisfaction overall. It is also a great starting point to figure out what areas you need to improve first to start living your Level 10 Life.

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With a combo of my laptop and my planner, I started my journey. While I’m genuinely happy, I ‘m not where I’d like to be. Not in any area. The darker lines are to mark where I started and see my progress as I work towards my Level 10 Life. I wrote out ten goals for all ten areas; 100 goals total. I condensed the essence of each goal into one sentence and wrote that in my planner. I want to be clear - these aren't 100 resolutions/goals for 2019. While I believe I could complete 100 goals in one year - I am focused on building and renewing good habits for my whole life. Progress, not perfection.

  • Family & Friends

    • Spend more time with Cloak friends outside of Cloak

    • Hang out with Phoenix, Blake, and Sami at least once a month

    • Make and keep dinner plans with friends I've drifted apart from or haven't seen in a while

    • Keep in touch when physical presence is an issue (Email, Phone, Text - social media isn’t enough)

    • Travel to visit friends and family more often

    • Go on a trip with my Mom

    • Spend more time with Heaven

    • Host a family dinner

    • Take more photos with friends and family

    • Be open to making new friends

  • Personal Development

    • Get more tattoos

    • Read 100 books

    • Journal every week

    • Set monthly goals

    • Improve my body language

    • Spend less time online

    • Go to three cities in America that I've never been to (Austin, TX; Portland, OR; Maui, HI)

    • Go to a country I've never been to (Morocco)

    • Practice my French

    • Start playing guitar again

  • Spirituality

    • Maintain a daily meditation practice

    • Write in my prayer/manifestation journal daily

    • Clearly define what my spirituality means to me

    • Clearly define and stick to a spiritual practice

    • Assess my state of mind nightly and re-align with my goals

    • Read 3 books about spirituality

    • Meditate outdoors once a month

    • Practice gratitude daily

    • Practice moderation

    • Practice with like-minded people

  • Finances

    • Save money

    • Pay off my credit card debt

    • Buy a new car

    • Figure out a better plan for my student debt

    • Stop getting paper bills in the mail

    • Spend less money monthly

    • Eat out fewer times a month

    • Raise my 401K contribution

    • Stop getting parking tickets

    • Start another side hustle

  • Career & Business

    • Transition into my new role at work

    • Embrace and thrive in my new role at work

    • Take a walk every working day (as long as weather permits)

    • Nurture a work/life balance

    • Make blogging a priority without falling into the 'blogging business' trap

    • Start podcasting again

    • Write more fiction

    • Collaborate with friends on their art

    • Network with more independent artists

    • Be a panelist at a Comic/Fandom Convention

  • Significant Other/Romance

    • Continue to embrace being single

    • Continue to work on myself

    • Let a friend set me up on a date

    • Refuse to settle

    • Waste no more time on abusive men

    • Be firm in my boundaries when dating

    • Go out more often

    • Stop using Bumble for 3-6 months

    • Visualize my ideal relationship

    • Research egg freezing

  • Fun & Recreation

    • Spend more time outdoors

    • Take a solo international trip

    • Take myself on a solo date once per month

    • Go to a big festival (Coachella, Burning Man, Wasteland Weekend)

    • Take a random weekend road trip

    • Start playing video games again/more often

    • Go to Disneyland once a month

    • Go to Universal Studios once a month

    • Go to a concert every other month

    • Go to a city I've already been to again (Seattle, WA; New York, NY)

  • Giving & Contribution

    • Support more small businesses

    • Do more thrifting

    • Research charities and pick THE one that I want to donate to

    • Volunteer in my local community

    • Do a charitable walk or fun-run

    • Give more money to Sigma Kappa

    • Find someone to mentor

    • Donate for my birthday

    • Do more giving directly to people and not organizations

    • Lower my carbon footprint

  • Physical Environment

    • Move to a new city that meets my commuting/social needs

    • Decorate my place in a way that aesthetically pleasing and healing

    • Get rid of things that I no longer need/want

    • Frame and hang art

    • Buy plants and flowers

    • Develop and stick to a cleaning schedule

    • Organize my make-up

    • Hold a clothing swap/donation event for my girlfriends

    • Make sure my home is energy efficient

    • Read Marie Kondo & Justina Blakeney's books

  • Health & Fitness

    • Complete the Whole Life Challenge

    • Take Moxi Skate classes

    • Start Circus/Aerial training again

    • Do more yoga & stretching

    • Continue to nurture my mental health

    • Go to an ENT

    • Attend a yoga/health retreat.

    • Eat less meat

    • Do a yoga inversion

    • Land a back-tuck

While I'm sure some of these may not make sense to you, this is a list of 100 and adding commentary to all of them would become completely unruly. If you’re really curious, you're more than welcome to ask me a few questions in the comments section (wink, wink). However, I am mostly posting this for personal, public accountability.

There’s more than enough time to set goals for 2019. I hope that you all know that in your heart. At any moment, you can choose to leave your past behind you and walk into a bright and bold future - even right now.

Until next time. xo

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect
On old long syne.

don't call it a comeback.

Hey. It's been a while. Nearly a whole year. Whoops. 2018 was a wild ride. It felt like it lasted forever, and it still somehow got completely away from me. I let the blog go dark, and while I'm not proud of it, I understand my own reasoning behind it.

At the beginning of the year I had a serious bout of imposter syndrome. I remember being out at a party and a good and old friend asked me what I had been working on & I didn't have an answer. I felt like the blog didn't count and I needed to be working on a "big" project - a book, a zine, a YouTube series - something "big" and "serious" that would get me noticed and end in fame and me having "made it". If I wasn't doing that, then I must be a fake. And I'm a fake and a nobody, then why do I need a blog?

So, to combat this, I started doing a lot of freelance writing. And guess what? Writing for other people meant I didn't have a lot of time to write for myself. While I'm proud of putting myself out there and doing something else - in the last few months I've realized it's not really where my heart is. The internet is full of people who wanna be the next Chris Hardwick and are begging you to like to subscribe because they're HUNGRY, they're STARVING for it - and I'm just...not. Don't get me wrong; I'm passionate about writing and fandom and curating a lifestyle and sharing that with people - but my endgame isn't to have to most like photo on Instagram. Which leads me to my next point...

The business of blogging is stressful and irritating - especially if you're buying into the "competition" and trying to be the most "liked". It takes time and money - to go to the newest places, eat the newest foods, create the best optics for the best photo. Without the money and the time I'm not able to produce content that I can be wholly proud of or that will be 'gram worthy, so I end up creating nothing, and impostor syndrome sets in again. Organic growth is nearly impossible - the algorithm has fucked up everything and who even checks their feed anymore when there are Stories? It is crazy hard trying to turn a profit, especially if you don't want to turn yourself into a product or shill someone else's product. Thousands of clicks and at the end of my best month, I still only made $20. It's dishonest - just google 'Instagram fake travel' or 'Instagram fake sponsorship' - even Bow Wow fell into the trap, remember the Bow Wow challenge? It's insidious. Everyone is trying to flex on every one else all for the likes. Half of the time, I was feeling like I was in a contest that I didn't enter myself in & didn't want to participate in - I don't need to be the most "liked". I don't need to seek that kind of validation, especially when I'm part of a family and friend communities that let me know that I'm actually loved.

I was reading a blog post by Rainier from Love Life of an Asian Guy, and it hit me hard. "You start to see each conversation not as an opportunity to truly bridge a connection with others, but as an opportunity to keep your audience stimulated, entertained, and happy. This isn’t to say that my opinions on these topics are fake. But they are just a snippet of how I feel and they lack the nuance and depth that I believe comes off smoother when I talk in person or during a livestream." Rainier just wants to blog, and so do I. I want to write & sometimes post nice photos without it being a big ordeal. I don't want to create content that is bite-sized or simple for people. I am not bite-sized or simple. I don't want to be an "influencer". I've said it before, and I stand behind it - swaying people's opinions & feelings isn't a joke, & I want to be accountable & only stand behind things I truly believe in.

The most impactful thing I did in 2018, the one that was most important to me, was participate in This is My Brave: Los Angeles. This Is My Brave, Inc. is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization is the leading platform for individuals to share their stories of living successful lives despite a diagnosis of a mental health disorder through artistic expression (spoken word poetry, original music and essay readings) on stage in front of a live audience. We're opening up the conversation about mental health disorders in communities all across the country and beyond via our YouTube channel. Writing about and publicly talking about my mental health was... freeing. Impactful. Important. Moving. It reminded of who I am and why I am. The response from friends and family who went to the show or watch it on YouTube was overwhelmingly positive. Just a few minutes of vulnerability and bravery, but they were the best minutes I had in 2018. And it was something that I did for me.

I am going to keep blogging. This isn't the first post like this I've written. I've stepped away and come back before; I've hit this spiral before. But, this time I am consciously disrupting the cycle. From this point forward, I blog for me. And I hope you stick around, and if you don't - that's cool too.

Until next time. xo.

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Well, here we are.

I had every intention of writing an end of the year post the last week of 2017, as per the usual here, but that week just blew right by me. Then it was January. And it was January. And it was still January. This January lasted forever and it just felt so...dull. Like the whole world was in an unwanted hibernation. Which, it sort of is.

January is for processing - winter is a time of grounding, incubation, hibernation. I think most of us want to wake up on January 1st a whole new person, with new goals, ready to attack the world. All I woke up with on January 1st was a slight headache from all the vodka and gin I had drunk the night before, and a sore arm where my best friend's pit bull had fallen asleep on top of me. Change takes time. January and the early months of the year are about letting the the seeds of our intentions bed in and begin to grown in our minds and our hearts. We calm down from the frantic excited energy at the end of the year and let our thoughts and dreams for the coming year really cement. And that doesn't always require action. If actions come, wonderful! But, there's a whole year ahead of  for manifesting your dreams, and I think sitting quietly with them for a while was an important part of my process.

We're now at the end of what was a beautiful, if not taxing, February and I feel a little surer of what I want 2018 to feel like, and ready to take the whole year getting there. I'm giving myself space to grow, and as I turn 30, space to celebrate what I've already done. As I look over my ideas, and outline loose plans, I find it best to remind myself of a few things - affirmations to remind me of who I am, lest I get discouraged.

I am strong and ready.

I have already accomplished great and difficult things.

I am more powerful than I can imagine.

Good things are wanted for me.

I am supported and loved.

What have you been up to this cold and slow winter? What goals are you setting and working on? How have you affirmed yourself?

Until next time.

xo

HALF BIRTHDAY LETTER

So. It's my half-birthday. I know to most people it's not a thing, but it's totally a thing to me. I will take any and every chance to look back and reflect and assess. For the past two years I've written myself a letter and sealed it for the next year. Since my next birthday will be a landmark - I'll be turning 30 - I thought I should publish this year's letter. I was inspired by Evan Rachel Wood's piece about turning 30 for Nylon, and found myself echoing a lot of the lessons she learned in her twenties.

I'm in the last six months of my twenties, and this decade was nothing like I thought it would be, but it was both the best and worst one yet. I learned a lot. A lot. I went from being a dumb kid to being a decent adult and pretty soon I'm actually going to get good about sticking to a budget, calling my family when it's not a holiday, and eating my vegetables every day - it's a growth process folks. Poor attempts at humor aside - these are the big lessons I learned. These are the ones that kicked my ass and made me cry and made me wake up and changed me and made me into the person I'm proud to be today.

Build Good Relationships and Start With Yourself There are a ton of platitudes about how you have to love yourself first - and they're all true, even if they are corny as fuck. It's damn near impossible to really be there for someone else if you're not attending to your own mind, body, and spirit first. It isn't being selfish - it's necessary for your health. Furthermore, if you don't the wrong kind of people will leech onto you, exploit you, abuse you, and make it that much harder to take care of yourself and those that you care about. I am an empath. I love people and I always want to help people. When I was younger, I was a fucking garbage dump for people who didn't give a shit about me - just what I could do for them. I had a series of codependent relationships with narcissists and selfish people. When I was finally able to cut them out, I realized I needed to turn my emotional intelligence inward and care for myself the way I cared for those people who had broken my down. I built myself back up. I, now, have the best relationships I've had. I invest in people who invest in me. I have a much better bullshit meter and I can tell when someone just wants something from me and doesn't want me. 

Go Places Alone Take time for yourself. Get comfortable being by yourself. Be your own friend. Don't miss that concert or that movie because no one wants to go with you. If you can't be around yourself and feel good about it - you can't really feel good about around other people. Being introverted and an empath - I need to be alone. Being around too many people literally exhausts me. I need down time after social gatherings; I can catch people's shit and hold onto it like it was my own shit. I treasure my alone time - but I had to grow into that space. I had to truly be left alone by people I thought cared and learn how to be okay being with only me. 

Check In and Ask Yourself Hard Questions I had a theater teacher who made us "check in" every time we gathered for class or rehearsal. Just one or two words about how we felt. No explanation, no qualifications, no judgement. Check in with yourself and always ask yourself two questions: “What am I feeling? And why am I feeling it?” Answer as deeply and honestly as you can. And don't judge yourself for the answers. Adapt, change, adjust, but don't judge.

Say I Don't Know and Ask for Help You don't know everything. You can't. It's literally impossible. Tell people you don't know if you don't know - and then volunteer to figure it out together. Don’t be afraid of asking questions—any question, anytime, to anyone - be curious, be childlike. There aren't dumb questions - but there are assholes, and do you really care about the opinions of assholes? 

Be Authentic and Honest and Speak Your Truth and Trust Your Intuition Be honest. Just be honest. It doesn't matter if it isn't necessarily the nicest thing you've ever said, but lying spares no ones feelings - least of all you own. Say no to people often. Tell the truth at all costs. That extends to how you dress, how you act, what jobs you take, what people you spend time with. Be authentic in all of those things and let who you are deep down inside show in your words and actions. Speaking of deep down inside? Listen to that voice deep down inside and let it guide you. It knows what's best for you. The more honest and authentic you are, the easier it is to hear that voice. Don't make people guess, don't let them assume, don't play games, don't think they can read your mind - BE. HONEST. 

Own Your Shit Everyone has shit. Traumas. Ticks. Quirks. Fears. Insecurities. We all have shit. Own your shit. It's your shit. Claim it and be freed from it. Don't use it as an excuse for anything. Don't try to pretend like it's not there, even though everyone can smell it. There's no air freshener that's gonna cover the smell of that kind of shit. BE. HONEST. You've got shit. We all do. Own it, before someone tries to take it from you and use it against you. Yes, there are some monkeys in the jungle who are going to try and throw your shit and their shit at you. But if you own your shit, they can't throw it at you. And if they try and throw theirs at you - well, you've been handling your own shit, so you'll know just how to deal with it.

Success and Money Success means a lot of different things to people. Your own meaning of success will change. The truth of the matter is - it's not an exact science, no matter what you call it. It's luck, and skill, and timing, and preparation, and talent all thrown together. Some days you're gonna feel successful and some days you won't. The most important part is to define it for yourself. Money is not success. Money isn't real. If you get caught up thinking too much about money - start singing the old Prince tune, "Money don't matter tonight, and it sure didn't matter yesterday. Just when you think you you've got more than enough, that's when it all up and flies away.That's when you find out that you're better off makin' sure your soul's alright. 'Cause money didn't matter yesterday, and it sure don't matter tonight."

Social Media Isn't Real Your Instagram feed is not an accurate representation of your life - no matter how authentic you are on it. Neither is your Facebook wall, your Twitter feed, your Tumblr blog, your Snapchat story, your LinkedIn profile, or your personal website. They're snapshots. They're a curated highlight reel. And that's true of everyone you know. Don't you dare lurk on her Instagram profile and start comparing yourself to her. It's not even 180 degrees of a full circle. It's all fake.

Don't Be Ruled By Shoulds There's no magical age that you're going to turn and everything is going to fall into place. Life just doesn't work like that. Stop thinking that you should be married by that age, or you should have that kind of job or you should feel some type of way about certain news, or you should whatever the fuck. Those are all just as real as social media - they're fake as fuck. You move at your own pace and you do things when they feel right.

Texting Texting is a highly fallible form of communication. Don't have important conversations over text message, call them or meet up. Don't get goaded into text arguments. Things get misconstrued really easily. Don't confess your feelings over text. Do take screenshots and keep receipts. Especially if you know shitty people. And we all know at least a few shitty people.

Learn How To Swim and Stop Waiting To Do The Thing Everyone is scared of something. Sometimes we can get so scared about something bad happening we get paralyzed and do nothing and bad things happen anyway. That's life. Bad things happen. Sometimes we worry about them so much we cause them to happen. My worst fear was drowning. I was so terrified of drowning; I never learned how to swim. That makes a lot of sense, right? I learned how to swim in my twenties. I'm still not a strong swimmer. I'm still very tense and scared in water, but I won't drown. I know that much. I stood up to my worst fear. It made standing up to the little ones that much easier. I don't need to be afraid some boy won't text me back - I fucking know how to swim. Stop being afraid. Stop waiting to do the thing because you're afraid - whatever the thing is. Just do it.

Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool than to Speak and Remove All Doubt One of grandfather's favorite sayings and one of the truest. Don't speak just to fill the air with noise. Make people earn your words. Take a few moments and think before you respond. 

Say Sorry and fucking mean it when you do. Correct your wrongdoings. You are going to fuck up. Everyone does. You don't have to BE a fuck up, though. And don't expect an apology in return. You usually won't get one.

Dance. It makes you feel good. It keeps you healthy. You don't have to be good. "Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Great dancers are great because of their passion" - Martha Graham. And when you dance, whatever gross energy you're carrying around - leave it on the dance floor. 

Sing. It makes you feel good. It keeps you healthy. It gives you a voice when you feel like you don't have one. Sing in grocery stores and the shower and your car and at concerts and when you're dancing. Sing it loud and play your music louder.

Forgiveness  Forgiveness is really just understanding. Put yourself in their shoes for a second. Understand why they did it. And let it go. You wouldn't have done it that way. It hurt you. It's also over. If you want to keep them - you can't keep punishing them. If you don't want to keep them - carrying that bitterness will only hurt you.

Be a Vessel. Fill yourself with love and kind words and thoughtful actions and carry them to everyone that you meet. If someone is struggling, carry them. Give them food, or a cup of coffee, or just a few minutes of your time. Be someone safe for those that you love. You will always need a vessel, and you even when you feel like you have nothing, you will need to be a vessel for someone who has even less than you do.

Pay It Forward It's as simple as it sounds. 

Read Reading captions on social media doesn't count. Read goddamned books. 

Travel Even if you can't afford to go far, go somewhere. Broaden your horizons. Accept invitations, go outside of your comfort zone, be open.

Our Thoughts Become Reality So think good, empowering, helpful thoughts. It's hard. You might have to lie at first. But, tell yourself good things about yourself. Think happy thoughts for others. Be thoughtful and watch how your life changes.

Show Up and Be Present Don't give anyone half attention. Show up and be present, or don't go at all. Don't be on your phone when you're out with people, don't be half engaged. Be all the way there and be around people and things you feel comfortable showing up and being present for.

Imagine Life Without When you start to get frustrated - say in traffic or in line at the grocery store - imagine life without your dependable car, without the money to pay for groceries, without the time to buy yourself healthy foods, without the reason to have somewhere to driving to. Then take a few deeps breaths and check in and ask yourself if you're still frustrated. Repeat until gratitude replaces frustration.

Never Forget That You Used To Ride The Bus You came from somewhere. We all did. Some of us came from the hood and used to ride the bus. Some of us came from acne covered faces and headgear style braces. You weren't any worse than anyone back then, and you're not better than anyone now.

Quit Your Goddamned Job If you're unhappy there - leave. Success is circumstantial and money isn't real, remember? Your health is more important in the long run.

Write Everything Down Write down your appointments, and meetings, important phone numbers, grocery lists, etc. If you tell someone you're going to text them, set a reminder. Don't trust your brain to just remember. Write shit down, and hold yourself accountable to your word. You are only as good as your word.

Eurocentric Beauty Is Fake Blonde hair, blue eyes, and slim figures aren't the end all be all of beauty. Beauty is honestly deep inside. The prettiest looking people are sometimes the worst. Embrace yourself. embrace your inner beauty. Embrace your ethnicity and things that are unique to your people and your family. Honor your ancestors and love your body. It's got to carry you through this life and that's going to be so much easier if you aren't fighting with it every step of the way. 

Eat That Thing Donuts are delicious. Eat the fucking donut. Go for a walk in the afternoon. It'll balance out. Stop depriving yourself.

Be Patient and Believe Sometimes life sucks. Be patient and believe that it will stop sucking. Eventually, you'll be proven right. 

Dream Don't sensor your dreams. Thoughts become things and dreams are just fancy ass thoughts. Look back at the dreams that have already come true.

Have Courage and Be Kind 

And that's it. I turn 30 in six months. I've never imagined what my life at 30 would look like. When I was much younger and much more self-destructive - I didn't think I'd live to see 30. That is a hard truth to sit with and admit, but it's the truth. I didn't allow myself to look that far ahead and really think about what it would mean, I had no concept of this part of my life - because I was either unrealistic and assumed that adulthood just meant marriage and kids - or because I didn't think I'd still be here. I don't know what the next six months are going look like, let alone the next ten years, but goddamnit, I can't wait to see it actually happen.

Until next time.

xo

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