grace > perfection

I've been neglecting the blog. I'm sorry.

I've been in a weird headspace and having some anxiety about writing - there are some feelings I've been ignoring rather than confronting because putting words to them and naming them seems scary. It's clearly affected my writing and my desire to write.

I've also been busy - not that that's an excuse. I'll never not be busy. I'm a lot happier when I have a lot of wheels spinning, so I generally try to stay that way. I didn't have a day with nothing marked on my calendar from July 15th-August 26th. I was working, going here, going there, doing this, doing that. It was intense. It was tiring. It was easy to put writing off.

I'm the happiest I've been in years and also the healthiest---so naturally I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's weird and unsettling to be free of some many of the things that used to weigh me down; self-loathing, insecurity, jealousy, anger, bitterness, shame, guilt, dishonesty... It doesn't feel right to wake up everyday and not have some "issue" I'm battling. This is the first time in my adult life I've felt like this. I have to get to used to it. I have to give myself room to grow and breathe and aclimate to a new normal. One that isn't emotionally temultuous. This is not me saying life isn't perfect; this is me saying I've learned how to lean into life's imperfections and embrace them.

Those feelings I've been ignoring? I think a relationship of mine has ended. It was very important for a few years to me - but people grow and change and drift apart. In the past I would have been devastated...I'm not and that's what makes me feel a little odd. It hasn't hurt me at all. I haven't cried a single tear. I've been able to look at the situation objectively and say, "Well, I was unhappy, and it seems as though the other party was as well. I have a life full of love and happiness and I wish the same for them, even if that doesn't include me". This amount of...maturity (?) is definitely a change for me.

God, I've changed so much in the recent past. I can't wait to see what I do with it. The difference in my personal relationships is astounding. They're so fulfilling and loving now. My relationship with myself. Just. Wow. I've been thinking a lot over the past few weeka - as someone who used to be a self confessed wreck, who used to think EVERYTHING was wrong - when I take stock of what's going on; I only have two problems in my life. They feel like big problems - sometimes insurmountable, but they're all I've got on my list - And neither of them have to do with my health (mental, physical, or spiritual). My relationships are solid. My working life feels good. I'm pretty damned grateful for that.

I'm just holding myself to a standard of grace > perfection. And I feel pretty graceful.

There are no August favorites to share - the whole month blew right by me. But, there's a playlist I haven't uploaded yet. (EDIT. Two playlists? I fucked this up somehow.)

Until next time. I'm going to stop letting this get away from me. I promise.

A Letter To Someone I Used To Know

You've been on my mind a lot recently. Not in a nostalgic way. Not because I miss you. Not fondly or painfully. You've just been there. Popping up in conversation, sometimes appearing as a spectre in a dream, just there. Like a fly in the corner of the kitchen that I can't be bothered with, or like an uninteresting story on the news people won't stop talking about. You're just...there. Neither good nor bad. I hate writing like this - it doesn't seem genuine. But, I also can't help it. You always brought out the art in me. You hated it so much, didn't understand it - it made me realize that art is who I am and I can't separate myself from it. I wish I could write you a "normal" letter, the way I shoot off texts that don't really mean anything to my friends - full of emojis and slang and half sentences that still convey what I feel, but I can't. Not to you. I have to think about what I'm saying and phrase it carefully - you always fucked with my head in that way. It wasn't ever easy.

There are times when I think of you and I feel gratitude. I'm not angry anymore. I think you should know that. I stopped being angry a long time ago. I don't hate you. We couldn't agree on a god we mutually believed in, so we called the guiding force in the universe The Big Magnet. We credited The Big Magnet for pulling us together, for the reason why we couldn't be apart. We didn't want to take responsibility for our actions. The Big Magnet pulled us into the same sphere and kept us near each other. And for that, I am grateful. You came into my life at a time when I needed you. I needed someone to love me and tell me that I was wonderful and fulfill my ideas of what a relationship should be. I needed to learn that relationships aren't actually like that, thank you for teaching me. Thank you for supporting me and wanting what you thought was best for me, even if wasn't what was actually best. It's hard to pinpoint times, moments, places, but there was a lot of good there and I was very happy for a time. I wouldn't be who I am now without you, so I do feel gratitude towards you.

Then there are times when thinking of you does nothing but bring me pain. Not a sharp, stabbing pain. It's more like... the arthritis in my knee. I forget it's there until a cold morning or a hot night comes and my knee is tight, throbbing, and it's hard to get out of bed. The pain I feel when I think of you doesn't start in my knee, it's more like tightness in my belly. It starts there and squeezes my stomach until the organs squish together and then it moves back up through my digestive system to the throat and settles there, making my vocal chords hum and throb and makes it hard to talk. I don't want to be dramatic - but I've cried an ocean of tears over you. I used to wish I could turn into a mermaid and swim away in that ocean to somewhere else. It would have been nice to be a mermaid right after everything went down - God knows I never wanted to open my legs again. There are so many things I don't understand about it. Why? Why did you want me to be small? So small that after it was over I shrank - to the lowest weight I've been as an adult -trying to fit into the box that you tried to put me in. If you thought I was so wonderful - why did you want me to change? Did you just prefer the idea of me? I was so fat when we were together. You loved me that way. Maybe I lost so much weight because I needed to peel back the layers the real me was hidden under. Not the me I tried to be to keep you around and keep you happy. Do you remember trying to teach me how to drive a stick shift? You yelled at me because I kept stalling the car. I yelled at you for yelling at me. It was over within 30 minutes. I think being with you was like trying to drive a stick shift and I couldn't ever figure out the right timing between brake, gas, and clutch...and then your emotions would just stall out.

On that note, I suppose I should tell you what I mostly think when I think of you - - I pity you, mostly. Pity sounds like a terrible word. It sounds harsh and spiteful. That's not how I mean it. Not at all. The dictionary definition - the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others - that's what I feel. Your emotions always stalled. Mine were a bubbling well, a frothy milkshake, and yours were...constipated. I can't imagine living like that. It sounds so...brutal. I know you had your shit. It was one of the first things we talked about. You asked me not to get too close to you, because you had shit. I told you we all had shit; I got close anyway. I don't fault myself for that. It's who I am. I crave closeness, I seek it out every where I go, in every one I meet. I don't think I should have listened to you. I think you should have stepped up. Like I said, we all have shit. I don't excuse your actions, your behaviors, or anything that you put me through. Not even a little bit. Your pain is not an excuse for inflicting pain on others - whether it's intentional or accidental. You fucked up by me, and you know that - whether or not you will admit that now. And I don't regret you not stepping up then; just like The Big Magnet pulled us together, it was time for it to adjust our polarity and pull us apart from one another. But, I wish you could have changed for your own sake. I've heard things - there are still parts of our social circles that are in the center of that Venn diagram. And the things I've heard don't paint a pretty picture. It's a photograph of a stalled smoking car. I don't pray for you anymore - - magic only works on the willing. I just feel bad that you can't grow into - I suppose I should say that person I thought you were or I thought you could be. He would have been one hell of a man. But, I'm sure that's hypocritical. I know there's a woman you wanted me to be - and I am most certainly not her. 

You and I often argued about the black and white in the world. One of us saw things in black and white and one of us saw them as grey. I don't remember who was what. I think back then I was firmly black and white, it is or isn't. Now, I see a lot of grey. That's how I see you know when you appear in my mind's eye. As a person made up of greys. As a time period in my life that plays out like a colorless silent film. The thing is - that film is always playing silently and I can generally ignore it. And then there are times when it catches my attention and I can't stop watching it, rewinding the same scenes over and over trying to figure out what it all means. 

This letter isn't an olive branch. It's not me asking to hear from you. If you somehow see this, don't bother. There's nothing left to be said. There are no questions that I honestly want answered. I just wanted to write this to let it go.  It's me trying to stop the movie. Asking the universe to let me free. Purging this energy from my being. This is me using a Pensieve. Pulling these thoughts out of my head and putting them in a shallow magical bowl of water so they leave me alone. It's a writing exercise, a public journal entry, performative theater. I would say I wish you well - but, like I said up there - magic only works on the willing.

Adieu. 

July Favorites

Wow. We're already ten days (most likely 11 by the time you read this) into August! Where has the summer gone? It feels like it's literally slipped through my fingers and we're barreling towards the end of the year. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. This year has been incredibly odd. I've also had a real bad case of summertime sadness, but that's a story for a different post. I'd really like to introduce a new type of post - my end of the month favorites. So, without further ado, let's get to the things I was jamming with during the month of July! 

• Micheladas at Disneyland - I am going to be so sad when this seasonal beverage is no longer offered. This tomato juice/beer combo is so refreshing on a hot summer day. Which just the right amount of spice...SIGH. Disney is kicking it up a notch in the snack/drink department and this foodie is trying to make the most out of her pass.

• Green hair - I installed a green unit this month and while I was unsure at first (I've never had green hair), I have quickly fallen in love and think emerald hued locks will be here to stay for a while.
• Handmaid's Tale - Just like everyone else, I got sucked into this show and it's warnings about our possible dystopian (not-so-distant) future. While I definitely think the criticism's about it's blind spots were valid, it still hit a hard nerve with me. 

• Reign - Okay, thanks to my mom and Netflix, I got sucked into everything that is Reign. This is a show that had been on my radar and after catching a few random episodes, I knew I eventually wanted to dive in. And I did. And now I'm beside myself because it's over. The costumes were not period appropriate, but they were GORGEOUS. There was so much DRAMA, and ROMANCE, and MAGIC. And of course, because it's a CW show, ridiculously good looking young people. 10/10 would binge again.

• Retrowave - A discovered a whole new genre of music thanks to my friends Cristina and Daniel and I am OBSESSED. "Retrowave is a musical genre and growing culture that harnesses the sound, drive and sheer passion of the 80's-90's. It is one of the most refreshing sounds to hit the music scene and has been long overdue." Via NewRetroWave. It is everything in that exerpt and more. It's given me life.
• Muna - I also became OBSESSED with the band Muna. They're three queer girls from LA who make dark pop and their album is AMAZING. I've included my favorite song of that release on the July playlist. Don't just take my word for it - they're opening for Harry Styles on his upcoming US tour.

• Banana Pudding - I had the best banana pudding I've ever had at a party on July 4th and now I'm lowkey obsessed with the desert - and I never really cared for it before. 
• Laura Palmers - Half lemonade. Half coffee. I know it sounds crazy, but it's tart and acidic and totally refreshing. 
• Green Crush - I'm all about agua fresca when it's hot out, and the only place I know where it's readily and quickly available is Green Crush. The offerings at Green Crush are a bit sugary, and they are only located in malls, but they're still great. 

• Face Masks - Dude. Summer is rough on the skin. Take care of your precious faces. I've been doing approximately two masks a week and still had some skin flareups from travel, stress, sun, sweat, etc.
• Carry On by Rainbow Rowell - Picked up a copy at SDCC and read the whole book in about six hours. I am all about SnowBaz and wish there were more books. It basically takes all of the subversive things in Harry Potter that fans complain about and makes them canon. Perfection.
• DreamDaddy - Damien Bloodmarch is my sweet goth Daddy whom I love with all of my heart. Fight me.

And to finish things off - here's the July playlist. 

Love you all. Be kind to yourselves.

xo.

---

All photos in this post are the property of their respective owner's and I am using them at the mercy and with the thanks of Google image search. 

SDCC 2017

Well, well, well. Another San Diego Comic Con has come and gone. What a week it was. I'm still super tired, to be quite honest.Comic Con is always full of disappointments - it's impossible to see and do everything there is - and this year seemed heavy on the disappointments - but I still loved it and can't wait for next year?? I'm definitely ready to unpack what happened and all of the great news that came out of SDCC, so let's get to it. 

WEDS

The #nerdgirlgang spent their fourth Comic Con together! Our Wednesday started off with me picking up Sirose and Kirsten and then heading to the store for snacks. We had time to kill before Nicole's plane from Seattle landed, so we stopped at a new Boba/Ché shop called Bambu in Gardena and I HIGHLY recommend it. The drinks were delicious, and the woman behind the counter was a total boss. We headed to the airport and for once, traffic wasn't bad. We circled a few times, and then picked up the fourth member of our girl gang, Nicole, saving her from what has been an awful flight. We hit the road. My god, the drive to San Diego was awful. It was great until we hit Oceanside and then it was basically stop and go the rest of the way in. We left the airport at about 1:45 and didn't make it to San Diego until about 5:45 (and we only made one quick stop for In N Out). And as the chosen driver, I was absolutely EXHAUSTED. We checked into the hotel and the girls let me rest while they ventured out for more snacks. When we were reunited we made our way to the Gaslamp and made our way to Oscars for dinner ceviché. It was utterly delicious. Do not skip this gem the next time you're in SD. We walked through the Gaslamp and other areas outside the Convention Center getting the lay of the land and trying to figure out what was where. While it was Preview Night, none of the outside activations were open yet, so we couldn't check them off our list. We headed to the Bay Front to find out more information about the super secret Westworld activation - it was the one thing we all REALLY wanted to do this year. Information was slim, and while we saw the Delos set up, we couldn't gather much more info, so we went back to our hotel room to get some sleep for our early start the next day. BTW, Nicole made us all the CUTEST matching back patches and we had matching backpacks and we just looked like the cutest, coolest girls all week-end.

THURS

The whole weekend is a blur, but especially Thursday. We woke up super early so we could get in line for Westworld: The Experience, only to find out that the line had already reached it's capacity of 120 people at about 6am. We were incredulous at that small amount of people, but when we read the Variety article, it all made sense. Since our hotel we right next to Tram stop, and having realized how our hotel was the last stop on the free SDCC shuttle, we made a group decision to pay the $15 for an SDCC all-weekend Tram pass, and it was worth it. Definitely keep that as option for your transportation needs during Comic Con. We rode down to the Gaslamp and I split off, because I working Thursday. That's right, after years of dreaming of working at SDCC and not just going as an attendee, my wishes were granted and through my amazing job, I was able to work at the Her Universe Fashion Show! Like I said before, the day was a complete blur and I barely remember it. It was long, magical, difficult, but oh so rewarding and I'm really proud of myself, my coworkers, and all of the contestants. The OC Register did a pretty legit article about the show, so here it is.

After the fashion show, I headed over to a party hosted by Kraken Rum, that Nicole's cousin Andrea was kind enough to get us girls into. It was a blast! Until it wasn't. Don't get me wrong, Kraken knows how to throw a party, but the DJ was really odd. She played a trap remix of The Fun Song from Sponge Bob, then the theme from The Fairly Odd Parents? Like, what? Also, there were some creepy dudes at that party. We wished we could have stayed longer and danced more, but it was still great. We headed back to the hotel and passed the eff out.

FRI

Exhibit Hall day!! We all woke up really early to hit the floor. Nicole, earlier than the rest, because she did an AMAZING cosplay of Pink Lars from Steven Universe - which I just now realize I didn't take a single photo of. Believe me, it was fantastic. Nicole, Kirsten, and I ran around the hall floor together taking it all, before splitting up for a bit. We met up with our friend George and were all able to snag a Comic Co Exclusive Steven Universe 7" record. We also made new friends in line named GG and Meredith! After running around the hall floor for a while (where I met Greg Grunberg of Alias and some AMAZING WOC Comic creators and Babs Tarr and got some signed books) we headed back to our hotel room, where I took a lengthy nap. I was still worn out from the day before. That evening we headed out to a DragonBall Z themed party hosted by NerdOut, where our friend Katherine, their brand rep, was cosplaying as Bulma. It was a super fun party!

SAT

We slept in on Saturday and went to have our traditional Irish breakfast at Dublin Square, but breakfast was kind disappointing, to be honest. We think they must've changed ownership or something, because the food just wasn't on par with previous years. We then headed out to attempt as many outdoor activations as we could, but the weather really dampened our moods. It was incredibly hot and humid this Comic Con. INCREDIBLY. It made everything uncomfortable. Add that to the record breaking amount of people in San Diego for this years Comic Con and doing anything outside was difficult. There were a lot of cool things though:

• The American Horror Story Zoetrope
• The Blade Runner Experience - A Virtual Reality showing of the trailer with a noodle meal and cocktail afterwards
• Legion had a Virtual Reality experience
• Broad City's life size coloring book
• The Netflix Experience that covered many of their shows, including Stranger Things
• IT had a scavenger hunt that ended with a VR showing of the trailer
• The Tick was showing the pilot in an air conditioned dome
• Adult Swim on the Green had an upgraded Meatwad Dome
• Knighthood castle photo-op
• The Lego Ninjago photo-op
• The Game of Thrones Experience
• A secondary Netflix/Game of Thrones photo-op

And those are the ones that I remember seeing/walking past! There were more. Virtual Reality and photo-ops reigned supreme this year. And of course, like every year, there were several crews walking around offering up free swag. My favorite were a group of a women promoting Atomic Blonde and handing out copies of the soundtrack on cassette tape. It's a great soundtrack and I am so stoked for that movie. 

We headed back to our room, I napped again. Later that evening we ordered a mess of Thai food, as is our tradition, and played the new Steam game DreamDaddy together! It was probably the highlight of my weekend; taking turns playing, each of us reading a different chraracter, and turning it into a drinking game.

SUN

Another early start. Pack up the room. Check out of the hotel. Enjoy the continental breakfast. Run through the Exhibit Hall one last time. We ran into Tyler, one of the creators of DreamDaddy and had a lovely chat with him. He revealed one of the most rewarding characters to romance is Goth Dad - Damien, and that made me happy, because he was definitely my pick. I split off from the group to watch a panel. My very best friend, the light of my life, Phoenix was on a panel about Queerness and Fanfiction and the panel was so warm, educational, and affirming. Her friends and colleagues were also so fucking lovely. We also started talking about ideas for panels at other cons/next year's SDCC, including one about race and fanfiction - so fingers crossed, I'll be a panelist next year. I met up with the girls, we made our regular Lucha Libre stop for burritos and enjoyed an easy drive home - we were home in time to watch Game of Thrones and Insecure. 

WHAT A WEEKEND. It was over in the blink of an eye. I can't wait to see my ladies again; there were rumblings about Emerald City Comic Con and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

NOW. About the news that came out of the weekend - 

• A pretty comprehensive trailer round-up thanks to Twitter. 
• We don't deserve the beauty that is Ruth Nega
• The new Star Trek series looks amazing.
• Once Upon a Time has jumped the shark and now airs on Fridays. 
• Stranger Things second season is going to be the end of me.
• Wonder Woman 2 was confirmed
• Ben Affleck is still going to be Batman
• Hey Arnold and Rocko's Modern Life are back and I'm really emotional
• Midnight, Texas looks interesting. I want to read the books from the hype at SDCC about the show.
• RIVERDALE. I LOVE RIVERDALE.
• The Originals is ending.
• READY. PLAYER. ONE. All aboard the hype train! 
• And more

There wasn't a lot of "news"? I think this article does a good job of explaining the cultural shift that's happening with Comic Con. It's going back to being fan-focused and while still a huge marketing event, that's not really the stress? I'm excited to see next year and how that plays out.

Until the next con - LA City Comic Con?

xo.