grace > perfection


I've been neglecting the blog. I'm sorry.

I've been in a weird headspace and having some anxiety about writing - there are some feelings I've been ignoring rather than confronting because putting words to them and naming them seems scary. It's clearly affected my writing and my desire to write.

I've also been busy - not that that's an excuse. I'll never not be busy. I'm a lot happier when I have a lot of wheels spinning, so I generally try to stay that way. I didn't have a day with nothing marked on my calendar from July 15th-August 26th. I was working, going here, going there, doing this, doing that. It was intense. It was tiring. It was easy to put writing off.

I'm the happiest I've been in years and also the healthiest---so naturally I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's weird and unsettling to be free of some many of the things that used to weigh me down; self-loathing, insecurity, jealousy, anger, bitterness, shame, guilt, dishonesty... It doesn't feel right to wake up everyday and not have some "issue" I'm battling. This is the first time in my adult life I've felt like this. I have to get to used to it. I have to give myself room to grow and breathe and aclimate to a new normal. One that isn't emotionally temultuous. This is not me saying life isn't perfect; this is me saying I've learned how to lean into life's imperfections and embrace them.

Those feelings I've been ignoring? I think a relationship of mine has ended. It was very important for a few years to me - but people grow and change and drift apart. In the past I would have been devastated...I'm not and that's what makes me feel a little odd. It hasn't hurt me at all. I haven't cried a single tear. I've been able to look at the situation objectively and say, "Well, I was unhappy, and it seems as though the other party was as well. I have a life full of love and happiness and I wish the same for them, even if that doesn't include me". This amount of...maturity (?) is definitely a change for me.

God, I've changed so much in the recent past. I can't wait to see what I do with it. The difference in my personal relationships is astounding. They're so fulfilling and loving now. My relationship with myself. Just. Wow. I've been thinking a lot over the past few weeka - as someone who used to be a self confessed wreck, who used to think EVERYTHING was wrong - when I take stock of what's going on; I only have two problems in my life. They feel like big problems - sometimes insurmountable, but they're all I've got on my list - And neither of them have to do with my health (mental, physical, or spiritual). My relationships are solid. My working life feels good. I'm pretty damned grateful for that.

I'm just holding myself to a standard of grace > perfection. And I feel pretty graceful.

There are no August favorites to share - the whole month blew right by me. But, there's a playlist I haven't uploaded yet. (EDIT. Two playlists? I fucked this up somehow.)

Until next time. I'm going to stop letting this get away from me. I promise.