Uncertainty

I’ve been sitting with a lot of uncertainty recently. The nightmare political landscape aside, there are a number of “small” changes that I need to make across various areas of my life, that all together are going to make a “whole new life” by the end of the year. I also just turned 38, firmly putting me in my late 30s and forcing me to stare 40 in the face. I have no qualms about getting older - in fact I treasure it, because I have friends and loved ones that I will never see with gray hair or wrinkles, I will never know what they would be like in the next part of their life, as that time was stolen from us and they were taken to the next adventure too soon. However, it’s a lot easier to face these milestone birthdays when you have an idea of what that might look or where the path you’re walking with is going to take you. Right now, I’m more of an open book - I know what has to happen and what choices have to be made, but I have no clue what I’m actually going to decide or where I’m going to end up. I’m not trying to be cryptic, but it’s not prudent to talk about everything I’m dealing with at this time on Al Gore’s public internet. What I can say confidently - is that I’m not certain where I’m going and I’m not confident it’s all going to work out in my favor. That last sentence may be slanted - things always work out in my favor, because I’m a stubborn bitch and make the best of everything, regardless. I just have to sit in the uncertainty for a little while longer and make sure that I’m running to something and not away from something in all of the choices I’m facing.

I’ve been so preoccupied with what’s going on in my brain, and how I’m feeling, and just trying to show up in life, that I haven’t felt particularly inspired. I haven’t been working on either of the novels (the fantasy and the horror), and my new actual play had to halt production. I’ve been doing a lot of listening to music and reading and watching comfort shows and trying to go to bed early, so I can “sleep it off”. Part of me says this is not how an adult and professional artist behaves and the rest of me says, “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”. The work will always get done. I want to say that my lack of inspiration has been showing up in what I’ve been wearing, because it HAS felt harder to pull outfits, but honestly - looking at the grid below - I’ve had that shit on. So, let’s talk about it.

OUTFIT 1 - I went to see Florence and the Machine that night. I wanted something that felt perfectly “witchy” and worthy of my elventeenth time seeing one of my favorite artists. I have loved Florence and the Machine since the very first note of the first song that I heard. In the 16 years she’s been performing state side, I’ve only missed her in LA one time. One of my best friends and her wife treated me to a ticket to this show and it was EVERYTHING I wanted and needed it to be. I bought this satin slip dress online a few years ago and it’s become a wardrobe staple for me, because it can be dressed up or down really easy and is comfortable. I paired it with my vintage high Docs, and a green lace kimono (not pictured) for the concert.

OUTFIT 2 - The day after Florence. I have a thing for bootleg concert merchandise - I am OBSESSED with it and will always choose to “stimulate my local economy”, if possible after a show - even if I’ve purchased official merch. This tour tee was only $10! (We’re so in a recession). I love pairing a tee with a fun skirt - it’s always comfortable, but looks like you tried harder than if you throw on leggings. This black lace tiered maxi is Hot Topic from a few years ago.

OUTFIT 3 - These pants aren’t quite gauchos, but they aren’t regular wide leg jeans either…they’re H&M circa 2019 and I love them. This twist front crop is Fashion Nova from the same year. And then my denim bolero, because it is ALWAYS freezing cold to me in my office.

OUTFIT 4 - So, if you’re not from California, you might not know about these things called May Gray and June Gloom - basically, during May and June it’s absolutely overcast and cold in the morning, before (if) it burns off and the sun comes out and it gets nice and warm. That phenomenon, along with a cold office, means I just want to be cozy a lot. Also, the sads. So, my favorite black flared jeans, my checkered Vans, and my Janet Jackson crewneck. Checkered Vans are a closet staple for me. They’re never not on trend. Also - every Black alt femme owes A LOT to Janet Jackson, specifically during The Velvet Rope era.

OUTFIT 5 - This duster cardigan is ridiculous and one of my favorite pieces. It reminds me of the blanket that all of our mom’s and grandma’s had on the backs of their couches in the 90s. I wore the same jeans as the day before (for shame!) and a body suit to round out the ‘fit - I’m pretty sure I had plans that night and swapped the cardigan for a leather jacket - and that’s why I wore cowboy boots that day.

OUTFIT 6 - Another cozy fit. I’ve talked about these jeans before, and I’ve owned them for a few years, but I’m kind of obsessed with them right now. This sweater is really lightweight, and also an old Hot Topic find.

OUTFIT 7 - Spice Girls and leopard print just go together.

OUTFIT 8 - The whole text on this shirt says “Sorry, I can’t talk. I’m thinking about the 1997 performance of Silver Springs where Stevie Nicks stares a hole through Lindsay Buckingham. It is, in my opinion, the best performance of a song ever”.

OUTFIT 9 - God, I was exhausted and fed up this day. I went to bed crying the night before and woke up crying that morning, so I literally just threw on a clean pair of jeans and the first tank top my hand landed on, which happened to be a vintage Bauhaus tank. Probably the least goth way to style this, but whatever.

OUTFIT 10 - My birthday! I had been saving this skirt for a very specific special occasion that hasn’t materialized and I decided that my birthday was as special a day as any and I deserved to look cute and feel good. And I’m glad I did it. Dressedinlala is one of my FAVORITE brands right now.

OUTFIT 11 - I got into an argument with someone while wearing this outfit and all I have to say for myself is; why would you start with a Gemini, during Gemini season, while they’re wearing a shirt with Tupac’s face on it??? I also recently found out that both Prince and Nicole Kidman are also Gemini Sun/Scorpio rising like me, which I feel, explains A LOT.

OUTFIT 12 - This outfit is a re-do of one I wore in Las Vegas on vacation the week before. Yes, I do outfit repeat!! I know some people think I don’t, but I ABSOLUTELY do. This leopard bustier was a gift from a dear friend who often brings me things they found at the thrift or deep in the recesses of their closet that they think I will like/fit.

OUTFIT 13 - I honestly don’t really like how this outfit turned out - I love this gray washed denim bustier AND these gray wide leg jeans, but together they grays are too different and it doesn’t feel intentional. But, I couldn’t figure out something else to wear and I wasn’t going to be late to work, so I left it on anyway.

OUTFIT 14 - Another June Gloom cozy fit. Universal Classic Monster movies are my favorite thing and I LOVE this sweatshirt by Micheline Pitt. I put on a statement necklace to make it look more elevated and not like I just tossed on a sweatshirt and jeans - especially since I needed to wash my hair and concealed that with a bandana and braids.

OUTFIT 15 - Tired/June Gloom again. Like I said, I love a good bootleg. This Spider-Man tank came from a website that I thought might be scam. Paired with leggings, my high Docs, and a corduroy shacket, it became an intentional outfit.

OUTFIT 16 - My new favorite jeans and a super cropped tea is an easy wear, but looks like I tried.

OUTFIT 17 - I’m so nostalgic for Barbie summer, I busted out my Barbenheimer tee. Remember the leopard print midi skirt memes? I haven’t gotten rid of mine. In fact, I have it in multiple colors.

OUTFIT 18 - Casual Thursday, baby! A nice cardigan and a hat makes it seem like I’m not wearing yoga pants and a tank top - but I’m totally wearing yoga pants and a crop top.