War is over, if you want it - War is over now.

Okay. Confession time. I am not feeling the Christmas spirit yet. It's only December 5th and it's been super warm and sunny in Los Angeles (go figure), but that usually doesn't stop me. By Black Friday I am usually blasting Christmas music in my car until January 1st, buying gifts, spending extra time with friends and family, going over recipes for holiday get togethers, etc. And I'm just not feeling it yet.

The only Christmas song I've really listened to and been able to get into so far has been Maroon 5's version of "Happy Christmas" by John Lennon. This song has always hit hard for me, and I assumed it would again particularly because of our current socio-political climate. However, the other day all it made me think of was my own personal war. I have spent the majority of 2017 building on the hard self-work I did the past two years and really relishing that the hard part is over (for now). That I don't have to fight myself at every turn, that I can build and maintain healthy relationships, not just with other people, but with myself as well.  I intend to further that work through the end of the year and spend this last month of 2017 focused inward, so I can outwardly represent at my best.

So - here's a few things that I'll be implementing the next 25 days to end this year on a bright note:

• Start creating a strategy for 2018.  I'm not sure what I want out of next year, and I know that this year played out in a completely unexpected way (I was maybe over ambitious in my goals), but I want to at least get a loose plan of what I'd like to accomplish - make resolutions early, plan some things for the blog, etc. 
• Embracing FUN!  The Holidays are stressful as fuck, but they can also be full of fun and love, and I intend to embrace both with my friends and family.
• Read – I signed up for a trial of Kindle Unlimited and goddamnit, I am going to read at least two more books before this year ends. 
• Give up being critical.  I overthink and over analyze every minute detail. If you don't believe me, ask my mom or Phoenix. I want to let go, just a little bit the next few weeks. 
• Turn up my empathy dial.  The Holidays can be HARD for a lot of people, for a number of reasons, and I am going to open my heart and be there as much as I can for whoever needs me.
• Not holding onto resentment, letting go of old grudges, and clearing the slate. The Holidays bring up a lot of old memories for me - but I will not allow them to make me sad or bitter. It's over. It's done. I don't have to forget, but I can forgive for my own peace of mind.
• Letting myself be swayed.  Going with the flow and landing wherever the wind leads me.
• Practice being spontaneous!  I am a grade A control freak. I am going to try and let that go this month. 
• Getting away and seeking something different.  I'm doing some new things with new people this month and I am excited to implement just a few small changes - new tattoo shops, new day trips, new nights out with new friends.
• Trusting my intuition. My gut has been delivering some strong messages recently and I plan to listen more closely.
• Exuding optimism.  Talking affirmingly, choosing the focus of my words carefully and re-framing the way I share what I feel. Again, the Holidays can suck, and I won't contribute to that negative energy this year - even if I'm currently feeling a little Grinch-y.
• Connecting to my elders.  Spending time with my family is tantamount to me this time of year and I realize I need to be better about reaching out to certain members. 
• Praying.  I will definitely be spending time communing with the universe and opening myself to whatever it wants me to know. 

In other news - the past few weeks have been great. I know I basically fell off the face of the earth (aka this blog) during Fall - but it was a magical few weeks and I was fulfilled and joyful. I hope you were too. 

I'm going to close this out with the November playlist AND my Christmas playlist - hopefully you can get some enjoyment out of it and maybe I'll start listening to it soon. 

Autumn Mood Board

Well. It's officially been fall for a week. I feel...happier, freer, lighter. As I've mentioned to anyone that will listen my whole life - autumn is my favorite season. Hands down. I had a lovely summer this year; I really, truly did. Several trips, more than enough concerts, precious memories made with cherished friends, but now it's time for all things pumpkin - dusk, scented candles, hot cider, sweet potato pie, and everything scary and beautiful. 

As always, self-reflection is on my mind. In this season of harvest, what is my personal harvest? What have I brought into manifestation this year? How can I celebrate myself for hard work completed this year? My personal emotional harvest has been bountiful this year. I've really invested in the relationships that are important to me; I've taken time to discern which relationships feed me and what relationships allow me to feed into them. I am so emotionally fulfilled and nourished. Last fall I ended regular therapy with my therapist - we both agreed I was ready to move on. I have taken special care to make sure that my mental health is still a priority, since I'm "on my own" now. I feel better than I ever have as an adult. I've spent this last year nurturing myself; and I can see the results - not just in my relationships or my outlook, but in little things; like how often I'm able to do the things I enjoy, the size of my waistline, how rarely I feel the need to vent, the way others respond to me and my energy. I've manifested many things this year; work I love, more opportunities professionally and socially, my "ideal" body - my life is the closest it's ever been to what I imagined my life would be like as a child. How will I celebrate? I practice gratitude every day for at least five minutes morning and night; I never want to lose sight of the things I have. I will spend this season reveling in my bounty.

This fall I'm really focusing on just enjoying life - it's been a really weird year, I think we can all agree, and I'd rather end this year on a high note with optimism for what's ahead than go all Game of Thrones "Winter is Coming". I'm thinking a lot about texture - chunky sweaters, smooth faux leathers, soft velvets - and translating those textures into actions and emotions. Giving warmth and softness to those I love. Lots of writing. Warm drinks and pastries. Tricks and treats. Sad new wave songs. Old movies. Really focusing on what I love and letting everything else fall away like an old crunchy orange leaf. Settling in for the winter ahead. 

What are you looking forward to? Feel free to hit the comments. 

Until next time. 

XO.

All images are courtesy of pinterest and weheartit and belong to their respective owners. 

yoda

You must unlearn what you have learned.

Master Yoda was a master for a reason. He knew his shit. That backwards talking little green man had some knowledge to drop, and this quote is one that I've been thinking about a lot lately. Yoda says it while training Luke on Dagobah. And while the rest of us may not be going off to defeat our fathers in a centuries old intergalactic battle, there's still something there for us.

How many times have we had to "unlearn" something to learn something new? In elementary school we were taught there were no numbers below zero, then we had to be taught there were in fact, negative numbers, and then imaginary numbers. I don't know what comes after that, because I flunked out of higher math and stopped taking match classes all together. The point is - we're already used to "unlearning" things.

So, why is it so hard to "unlearn" the negative things we think about each other? About ourselves? I've made it an effort to "unlearn" the shitty things my inner critic has taught me about myself. I am not fat. I am not too loud. I am not unattractive to the types of men I like. I am in a constant state of learning new things and unlearning old things that no longer serve me. I hope you can join me.

Until next time,

xo

grace > perfection

I've been neglecting the blog. I'm sorry.

I've been in a weird headspace and having some anxiety about writing - there are some feelings I've been ignoring rather than confronting because putting words to them and naming them seems scary. It's clearly affected my writing and my desire to write.

I've also been busy - not that that's an excuse. I'll never not be busy. I'm a lot happier when I have a lot of wheels spinning, so I generally try to stay that way. I didn't have a day with nothing marked on my calendar from July 15th-August 26th. I was working, going here, going there, doing this, doing that. It was intense. It was tiring. It was easy to put writing off.

I'm the happiest I've been in years and also the healthiest---so naturally I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's weird and unsettling to be free of some many of the things that used to weigh me down; self-loathing, insecurity, jealousy, anger, bitterness, shame, guilt, dishonesty... It doesn't feel right to wake up everyday and not have some "issue" I'm battling. This is the first time in my adult life I've felt like this. I have to get to used to it. I have to give myself room to grow and breathe and aclimate to a new normal. One that isn't emotionally temultuous. This is not me saying life isn't perfect; this is me saying I've learned how to lean into life's imperfections and embrace them.

Those feelings I've been ignoring? I think a relationship of mine has ended. It was very important for a few years to me - but people grow and change and drift apart. In the past I would have been devastated...I'm not and that's what makes me feel a little odd. It hasn't hurt me at all. I haven't cried a single tear. I've been able to look at the situation objectively and say, "Well, I was unhappy, and it seems as though the other party was as well. I have a life full of love and happiness and I wish the same for them, even if that doesn't include me". This amount of...maturity (?) is definitely a change for me.

God, I've changed so much in the recent past. I can't wait to see what I do with it. The difference in my personal relationships is astounding. They're so fulfilling and loving now. My relationship with myself. Just. Wow. I've been thinking a lot over the past few weeka - as someone who used to be a self confessed wreck, who used to think EVERYTHING was wrong - when I take stock of what's going on; I only have two problems in my life. They feel like big problems - sometimes insurmountable, but they're all I've got on my list - And neither of them have to do with my health (mental, physical, or spiritual). My relationships are solid. My working life feels good. I'm pretty damned grateful for that.

I'm just holding myself to a standard of grace > perfection. And I feel pretty graceful.

There are no August favorites to share - the whole month blew right by me. But, there's a playlist I haven't uploaded yet. (EDIT. Two playlists? I fucked this up somehow.)

Until next time. I'm going to stop letting this get away from me. I promise.