Just Keep Swimming...

I turned 25 without knowing how to swim or ride a bike. I went so long without doing either that they had become boogeyman, obstacles that could not be overcome. It wasn't until I was on a date being teased for not knowing how to do either, that I decided to learn how to do both. I really don’t like being teased, especially by men. It hits a button in my psyche that makes me see red. I guess growing up with older brothers will do that to you. Making the decision that night may be bit of an exaggeration, but it sure did strengthen my resolve. I was 26 years old. I was going to learn how to ride a bike. I was going to learn how to swim. My life would be dramatically changed. 

I had already dropped a strong hint with my best friend that I wanted a beach cruiser for my birthday. He was well aware I didn’t know how to ride a bike. I told him if he spent the money on it, I wasn’t just going to let it collect dust in my house. I’d learn how to ride it. He relented as long as he wasn’t tasked with teaching me. A week after my 26th birthday, the bike arrived. My mom and I listened to Queen while we put it together. She was surprised I didn’t know how to ride; she thought I had gotten it down during childhood. My brothers were always bike riding and skateboarding. That phase had missed me completely. The bike was assembled, the sun was starting to set, kids in my neighborhood were out on their bikes. I had no clue what the fuck I was doing. My mom literally ran along the side with me. I fell anyway. The kids in the neighborhood told me I could do it if I didn’t give up. The old men on their porches raised their beers at me. Two hours later and I was slightly annoyed that I hadn’t mastered bike riding, but I wasn’t going to give up. My mom tried. My friends sent my encouraging texts. I went out alone. I watched tutorials on youtube and pinned on pinterest. I am a fast learner, I am wicked smart, not being able to do something I want to do drives me up a wall, because I usually pick on things quickly. I fell of the bike more times than I can remember. It took three weeks. My older brother asked if I wanted him to help me. In a fit of desperation I said yes. He came over on a hot July morning, we went outside to biking trail near my mom’s apartment. Twenty minutes later I was a bike rider. And of course I experienced the worst fall I have ever had on a bike, and got a rad two inch scar on my left elbow to show for it. Oh, and the guy from the date? We didn’t go bike riding together, as I had imagined. He told me he didn’t want to see me again via text message the day after I learned how to ride said bicycle. 

I had already learned how to ride a bike, and I had another eight weeks or so of summer. Why not learn how to swim? Because swimming fucking terrified me. I almost drowned as a child. I have a lot of memories of my early childhood, but that is one of the most vivid. I was three years old. I was at a party with my family in Pasadena and it was blazing hot that day. I had on a bright blue bathing suit with sparkly gems sewn onto it. My mom was going in the house for a few minutes and I was not to get in the pool without her. Following directions? I’ve never been so good at that. Of course I thought I could go in the pool without her and be okay. I sank like a fucking stone. My life literally flashed before my eyes and it only took two seconds because I was three. I remember thinking I was dying, but I barely had the words for what that meant. And then my oldest brother saw me and yanked me out of the pool. I coughed up a shit ton of water and then my mom proceeded to yell at me for almost dying. For years I was plagued by nightmares of drowning. Drowning is my go-to metaphor for emotional distress in my writing. The shitty part about not knowing how to swim, was that I love the water. The beach is my happy place. I loved putting my feet in the pool. Hell, I’d even hang out in the shallow end for hours. I longed to go surfing. I wanted to go spear fishing. I had never been to a water park. I had to learn how to swim.

I got lucky with swimming. One of my little sisters in Sigma Kappa is not only a lifeguard, but a swim instructor, and her apartment building has a pool. I showed up at her place at the end of summer with my bathing suit, a borrowed swim cap, and my resolve. She knew I didn’t know how to swim. She knew I had almost drowned. She basically knows everything about me, being my little. She was patient with me, and kind, but also stern. I freaked the fuck out. I’m not even going to try and pretend that I was like a duck and took to the water like a prodigy. I didn’t even want to get my face wet. I refused to bob under the water because I was so frightened. We took our time, we went slowly. We spent all fucking day at her pool; from 10am to 7pm. I was floating my 12pm. I was kicking by 1pm. I fucking learned how to swim that day. I still cannot back stroke. I fell into the pool backwards as a kid and I start hyperventilating every time I try to back stroke. 

I thought that learning how to ride a bike and swim would lead to tons of zany adventures and I’d meet brilliant and sexy people while diving off of rocks into the ocean below.  My life would be dramatically changed. I figured I’d be going to farmer’s markets with friends and carrying bouquets of peonies home in the basket on my bike. My bike doesn’t even have a basket. More often then not, I’m riding to the beach early in the morning by myself to make sure the ocean is still there and then going back home before it’s too hot. The few pool parties I’ve been to since learning how to swim have been fun and carefree. That is not to say that my life was not dramatically changed. Bike riding taught me that it is never too late to do something that I want to do. Other kids learn how to bike ride at 6. I did it at 26. I can do what I want to, in my time. When I learned how to swim, I legitimately looked my biggest fear in the face, and said fuck you. I remind myself of that all of the time. There is nothing that I should be afraid of anymore, and when I do feel scared, does it really matter? I’ve already conquered my worst fear.

I’m 27 years old. Who wants to go for a bike ride or a swim? I’m ready.

xo

I'm sure I have hundreds of selfies in my photo library and not one of them is me at the beach OR riding my bike. In my defense, have you tried taking a selfie on a moving bicycle? Not the business and I already have one bike induced scar.

Dear Boy In Store

I had another really good weekend. It was a standout two days in a month that has really sucked. Quick Disneyland trip, coffee with my BFFL, first meeting as a sorority advisor, and the train wreck that was the VMA’s. (I did a lot of side eyeing my television last night, that’s for sure). The funny part is, all of that happened on just Sunday! On Saturday (yes, I realize this is backwards), I went to an in store performance by one of my favorite bands, Dear Boy.

According to their Facebook page, Dear Boy (Ben Grey, Keith Cooper, Austin Hayman, and Nils Bue) is bitter-sweet alternative rock with roots in both post-punk and 90‘s British guitar pop. They are based out of Los Angeles and recorded their first EP in London. They’ve built a devoted live following through their shows and you will generally find me somewhere in the crowd if they’re playing in Los Angeles. 

I met Ben in July of 2006, during a rather low period in my life. His previous outfit, Scarlet Grey, was opening for Nico Vega at The Troubadour. I was aware of them, as they had opened for AFI (basically my favorite band of all time), the previous fall. They were great. I stopped by the merch table after the show to express my thanks for their work and tell them I’d be at their next LA show. Fast forward a few months; I’ve kept my promise, Ben spots after they’re done playing, and thanks me for that. We become friends. Ben Grey is one of the most gracious, talented, kind people I have ever met in my life. Even if I’ve already gotten a Facebook notification about a show and RSVP’d, he will still personally message me to invite me, ask me how I’m doing, and listen if the answer is not so great. He is a great person who also makes really great fucking music, and I urge you to check out Dear Boy. (And this is not to shit on Austin, Keith, or Nils…because they’re also amazing men who are ridiculously talented, and equally kind. Shout out to Nils for sharing his beer with me on Saturday).

The in store was awesome. It was held at Vacation Vinyl in Silverlake. If you like record stores, give it a whirl. They had some really good rare stuff, including Jimmy Fallon’s Tebowie 7”. We celebrated the release of Dear Boy’s first 7” by packing a fire code’s violation worth of people into the store on a day when it was already 91,000 degrees and dancing our butts off to 6 song set. I made a few new friends, I got my 7” signed, and I had the pleasure of talking to some old friends. 

Here’s Dear Boy’s Spotify… 

In other news…quitting my day job to follow my dreams is the scariest thing I’ve ever done and I don’t know if I’m handling it well. 

What the fuck is Miley Cyrus’s new album?

I'm in love with emo Bieber. 

When will summer end?

Until next time.

xo <3

Shakespeare by the Sea

I went to a production of The Tempest put on by Shakespeare By the Sea last night, and I really wish I had done it earlier in the season to tell ya’ll about it, because it was so dope! Shakespeare By The Sea (http://www.shakespearebythesea.org/wp/) is a non-profit that puts on free Shakespeare productions all over Los Angeles County and Orange County during the summer. I’ve been going with my mom since I was a kid. It’s been a while since I went to a performance, and I decided to go last night, because I love The Tempest.

The Tempest is my second favorite by the bard, only after A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It’s a comedy, so you don’t have to worry about your favorite characters dying. So, basically, this dude named Prospero should be the Duke of Milan, but his a-hole brother, Antonio, and the king, Alonzo, decide that they’re not having it and they strand Prospero and his daughter, Miranda on an island. Prospero and Miranda only have the water sprite, Ariel, and a half-human half-something monster, Calaban to keep them company. Prospero is pissed, so he has Ariel conjure a storm and shipwreck Antonio, Alonzo, Alonzo’s son and heir to the throne Ferdinand, and some other randoms on the island in order to get his revenge. Of course the plot can’t be that simple, and Calaban wants to kill Prospero, and two guys who got shipwrecked want to kill Alonzo, and Miranda and Ferdinand fall in love (which was part of Prospero’s plan, but still pisses him off for some reason). I’m not gonna give away the ending, but trust me, it’s a fun ride.

SBTS’s production was AMAZING. They worked a minimal set, the costumes were gorgeous and sparkly, and the acting was TOP NOTCH. They gender bent Alonzo to Queen Alonza, which made me so happy, because Shakespeare is always light on the female representation. The actress playing Alonza had a serious set of pipes and a magical timbre, too. Their depiction of Ariel was brilliant and utilized multiple actors working together. The Calaban was hilarious. I literally was sitting on the edge of my seat during the first act. It was THAT GOOD.

Sadly, this post comes way too late, because last night was closing night. However, because of the great time I had tonight, I’m certain I’ll be catching whatever they do next summer. You should too! 

xo

vans warped tour 2015

i want to start this post by saying i’m over summer. i really, truly am. the month of august hasn’t been particularly kind to me, and in general i’m not a huge fan of summer. i’m more a basic girl who loves fall and ugg boots. however, there are things i love about summer; bathing suits, swimming, iced tea, shakespeare in the park, and warped tour. 

warped tour has been a big deal for me since i was 14. i was always a music person; but that age signified a really special shift. it was when i really, really developed an interest in making my own music and got my first guitar. it was also when i started to find out the bands that would really shape me by becoming my safe haven during a really rough time; good charlotte, afi, my chemical romance, the used, fall out boy, etc. those bands introduced me to older bands like nofx, bad religion, the misfits. it was a my time. this was when i first started going to shows. as a teenager to me summer didn’t actually start until warped tour kick off. that was the beginning of summer and goofy teenage shenanigans (mostly reading fan fiction at the beach, i was lame as fuck). i can look back on that time with rose colored graduation glasses, but i was fucking miserable. depression, low self-esteem, lack of friends, etc. i will never say i was bullied, but i didn’t have the greatest relationship with my peers and i talked my way out of lot of fights (having given a boy a black eye earlier in life helped with that). i hated being a teenager when i was teenager. i didn’t know what to wear. i hated my body. i wanted everyone to just realize how cool and talented and smart and funny i was without putting myself out there, and then i was resentful when they didn’t. i was the only alt black girl at my school and most of the shows i went to. i always felt out of place. but, i still fucking loved shows. it’s a love that hasn’t ended. and while i am not yet the person i want to be, i continually remind myself that 15 year old me would be so fucking stoked by the person i am today and that’s a really affirming feeling. back in my day; warped tour kicked off in long beach and ended in ventura and it bookended my summer. i decided to go on a nostalgia kick this summer and i went to two dates; pomona (june 19), and san diego (august 5). both dates spoke to my soul.

i hadn’t been to warped in years before this summer. i considered going in 2013, because i really wanted to see black veil brides and walk the moon. black veil brides in particular remind me so much of afi, and my personal relationship with their music parallels how i felt about afi as a teen so much. i had a complete meltdown in 2013; i turned 25, i finished grad school and didn’t know what road to take to get where i wanted to go next, and my longest long term relationship ended “out of nowhere”. black veil brides and walk the moon were the only bands i could listen to without crying, because their music was new to me and i had no emotional ties to it. it helped me get through. it sparked that old passion in me, and i wanted to see them. but, i couldn’t go to warped alone. i just didn’t have the guts for it. i didn’t have the guts for much of anything then. i got to a place at the end of that summer when i was tired of being a bitch and tired of being angry and sad, and i was so tired of feeling like a doormat for the universe, that i needed to take some of my agency back. i called a truce with my ex. i dropped some friends who weren’t empathetic to my pain and confusion. i started to figure out what the fuck i wanted. while i’ve been building the life i’ve wanted for a long time in the past two years, i still regret not going to warped 2013. so, this year it was warped tour or bust.

ironically enough, i went to both warped dates alone. for pomona, i was supposed to go with a friend, who had a scheduling conflict. when he told me, i text another friend; she couldn’t go either. in the past, i would’ve just sold my ticket. i had done it so often before. but in the past two years i’ve learned so much about myself, i’ve grown so fucking much, and i’ve really started to like myself. it sounds crazy. i always loved me— at a distance. but i’ve been engaged in intense self love in the past two years. i can literally say i am my own best friend and my biggest cheerleader and not feel weird about it. and i love my own company now. so much so, that i could spend a day, by myself in the desert, and have the time of my fucking life. i had such a great time pomona, san diego wasn’t even a question. i bought my ticket, took a train down there, and partied my ass off. enough about me and my self-love train. let me talk about music.

pomona band count; beartooth, amity affliction, moose blood, pvris, set it off, miss may i, memphis may fire, metro station, set it off, motion city soundtrack, wonder years, bvb, and pierce the veil. okay. totally was unaware of who beartooth was before warped tour and now i’m in love. they put on a great show. pvris is EVERYTHING; i just want to be lynn gunn. like, i literally considered her haircut for five minutes. she and hayley williams are part of a vocal family tree i’d kill be to a branch on. my friend jon john texted me and told me to watch moose blood and i’m happy he did, because i dig them. SET IT OFF IS MY NEW FAVORITE BAND OF ALL TIME AND THEY WILL BE THE NEXT FALL OUT BOY, MARK MY WORDS. they’re also really great guys. i had them sign my venue map in pomona and accidentally forgot to take it out of the pocket of my high waisted shorts and ended up washing it. i had never seen miss may i live before pomona, and i was thoroughly impressed. i watched two metro station songs before feeling like i was about to pass out, and went to go get more water and a popsicle. and then, i went to the mainstage for what i like to call “barricade or bust”. meaning, i’d seen black veil brides three times before, but never from the front and goddamnit i wanted to be able to see every bead of sweat on jinxx’s face so i was waiting it out until i made my way to the front. i got to see motion city soundtrack and wonder years from a decent spot. i made it to the barricade. i got crushed during august burns red (who i want to try to like, but their singer looks like a stockier version of one of my ex’s and i just can’t get into it). also, since i’m talking shit right now, what’s with never shout never? i felt real old during their set, because i didn’t get it. i still don’t get it. ANYWAY. i heard memphis may fire, but couldn’t see them and it made me sad. but then, “barricade or bust” worked, because i was on the barricade DIRECTLY IN THE CENTER for black veil brides. andy spilled his goddamned monster right into my eye and he owes me for that shit. but it was everything.

san diego band count; memphis may fire, metro station, moose blood, atilla, sleeping with sirens, set it off, escape the fate, bebe rexha, mallory knox, bvb, pierce the veil, neck deep, cross faith, our last night. memphis may fire played first that day and i actually saw them instead of just hearing them and i cried like a baby, because their music just hits me in the feels. i saw all of metro station this time, because i was properly hydrated. people tried to give me dirty looks for all the dancing i did, but like…why are you watching metro station if you don’t wanna dance? there’s 6 other stages, go be grumpy somewhere else. i watched moose blood again, and they favorited my tweet about how good their set was. i watched like, an atilla song before trying to find a good spot for sleeping with sirens. pause. i love sleeping with sirens. i am a very big sleeping with sirens fan. like, i generally listen to them every day, no joke. i saw them once earlier this year at self-help fest and was so pissed they weren’t on warped. then lo and behold they played one date of the tour and it was san diego. and they were magical. well, what i saw of them. because…i bailed on their set to see set it off from the front, because I MIGHT LOVE SET IT OFF MORE THAN SLEEPING WITH SIRENS. set it off was EVERYTHING. i danced so hard i lost my sunglasses, and at their signing dan (their guitarist) called me out for acting a fool. they signed my map and i got a set list and they signed that too. i also told cody and max (their vocalist and drummer), a series of bad jokes. sidebar; i went to a thinkTEI songwriting workshop taught by cody carson later that day and it blew my mind wide open and made me even more passionate about being in a band again, so thanks bruh. escape the fate was great, but i wish they had played ashley. ben rexha was the bomb.com and when she told the story of how she sold “monster” to eminem it spoke to my soul. she sold him that song as she was going broke and wanting to give up on her dream and it relaunched her career. do not give up, just because shit looks bad. mallory knox was dope. watch black veil brides from the back this time and felt old when none of the kids around me knew the lyrics to rebel yell. pierce the veil was a giant dance party for me and the random next to me. i think neck deep is gonna be huge in a few years. and i had never heard of cross faith and ended up really liking them. our last night was AMAZING. just amazing. 

after both shows i was covered in a layer of grime when i came home, my hair looked like shit, i sweat off my fake eyelashes, and was sick the day after, but i’d do it all again in a heartbeat. oh, i also got the worst sunburn i ever had in my entire life at san diego. i though my pomona sunburn was bad, and then san diego happened and i was looked like a piece of fried chicken for a week afterwards. as much fun as i had this year at both warped dates, i hope this is the last year i attend as a spectator and from this point on go as a performer.

warming up my vocals. see you later. <3