2019 - I Hardly Knew Ye.

2019 sucked. That’s the long and short of it, and why I haven’t felt like writing a recap. I don’t think this will be a very long entry, because of that. In the micro scale - 2019 was a very difficult year and I spent most of cradling deep grief and in survival mode. On a macro scale - summing up a decade is impossible. Particularly when you consider than 2010-2020 was the bulk of my 20s.

Being in your 20s is a very odd and complex experience - you’re not a child, but you’re definitely not grown either. I learned more than I ever cared to. For the entire decade, I can admit looking back, that I always felt like I was in flux. Every time I thought I had things figured out the rug was pulled from under me and things changed. Nothing was constant. Friendships, relationships, jobs, goals. living situations. Once things were stable, they changed again and again and again. Over and over and over again, I was forced to ask myself who I was and what I wanted… and that’s okay. Honestly, it’s ideal.

I, as a spirit and a light being, came to this earth, at this time, this way, to have a human experience. And how fun would that be if I had everything figured out? It wouldn’t be very human. I appreciate everything I’ve gone through and I have respect and gratitude for it - while understanding that not all of it was beautiful or lovely, or what I thought I wanted. Not all of it was kind, not all of it was fun, but it was mine and I am this person because of it. Thank u, next.

2019 had big ‘Thank u, next'‘ energy. I have no shame about what I endured or how I handled it - in fact, I’m rather proud of myself. I chose myself in 2019, in a radical, beautiful, and loving way. It’s something to celebrate. And while I will celebrate how I’ve changed in the last year and in the last decade - I don’t want to dwell in them. I’d prefer to look forward.

I hadn’t been feeling like myself when 2020 started. Rather than attempting to get back to old versions of myself, I’ve decided to find out who this new person is. My hair is pink now and probably will be for a long time. I’ve started working out and getting into movement again. I am chasing some dreams. I have some big plans and goals. While working on moving myself forward, I’m also allowing myself to surrender to divinity and whatever the universe has in store for me,

Until next time.

XO

IN DEFENSE OF SOCIAL MEDIA, BECAUSE IT IS MAGIC (& THE NEED TO CURATE YOUR ONLINE EXPERIENCE)

Well, well, well…

My traditional end of the year (decade) recap didn’t happen. I’m having a hard time getting around to it and centering my thoughts about 2019 as a year, and the decade as a whole. There’s a lot to process and attempt to put into words, and I’m just not there yet. 2019 was one of the hardest years of my life, and I’m not quite sure how to conceptualize the entirety of my twenties, which is basically what 2010-2020 was for me. I’ll work on focusing on my feelings, writing, and posting, eventually. In the mean time, I’d like to talk about something near and dear to my heart - social media.

Social media can be an awful, awful thing. It can turn into a microcosm of the worst of our society. Fake news, alt-right radicalization, the comment section, etc, etc. It can be extremely shallow. People only posting their highlight reel, '“doing it for the ‘gram”, influencers lying for profit, and on and on. Social media gives everyone a voice and a platform - but that makes everyone think their opinion is just as valid as FACT and the opinions of experts in their fields, which just isn’t the truth. Social media is just a reflection of the people who use it, and well…people can be monster. Social media can be a cesspool.

However, I choose to see it as magic. I choose to see life as magic. People are intensely interesting creatures and capable of some of the most wonderful things, and social media can be a tool to exercise our greatness. Social media can be a tool to bring people together and foster genuine relationships. One of my favorite influencers, @stephishappening posted beautifully and eloquently about this last year, “100 years ago people married someone who lived, on average, 2 blocks from their house. I like to think of this fun fact when I hear people trashing social media. Because first of all, I met my husband online. I hand selected him from thousands of suitors like a fucking princess. He lived an hour away, and I don’t see how we would have met without what online dating was in 2009. Without Jeff, I wouldn’t have become a photographer. I wouldn’t have made an instagram to post my Disney photography. And I wouldn’t have begun to share my story with all of you. I grew up thinking I was the only one whose dad was an alcoholic. I was the only one with a family like this. Social media has connected me with thousands of you who have been in the same situation. Without it, I would have had to go to AA meetings for years and be very aggressive to meet that many people. It has helped save me. Knowing as much as I do, it’s hard to believe in any sort of magic. But social media? It’s magic to me. We are living in The Age Of Information. The Internet was invented to give us a place to write our history from the lived perspective and not the oppressor. To expose how those in power have organized and treated the world. To connect us by the things we have in common. It’s magic. The earths human population went thousands of years not knowing who was 100 miles away. Then, If you knew someone far away, a letter was the best way to reach them. It took weeks to get to them. We have never been this linked and I refuse to let baby boomers who are scared of everything and let it manifest as shame, ruin something that is literal magic and has saved me. Don’t let your friends trash talk social media. Defend why it’s helped you. Don’t let them perpetuate that narrative because they’re using the platforms wrong. Social media connects us.”.

Just like Stephenie, social media has changed and saved my life. From Yahoo! groups, to greatestjournal, to livejournal, to beta testing MySpace, social media has been my safe haven since my early teenage years and it means a lot to me. Because of the internet and social media I’ve been exposed to music, books, movies, television shows, and art that I never would have known about otherwise. I’ve met people and made friends when I had none. I’ve connected with friends and people that I was afraid to talk to in person. I’ve learned histories and truths that aren’t available in textbooks. I’ve learned that I love science, because of the internet and social media, when school had me convinced I was stupid and bad at it. I’ve visited places and gone to events that I never would have heard of without Buzzfeed and Facebook events. I’ve fallen in love because of social media, thanks online dating. Social media allows me to “be” with people, when, as an introvert, it’s not always easy to “be” with people. I can make and deepen relationships from in the dark, under the covers. Social media and the internet are two of the greatest, if not the greatest, tools to come out of the 20th century.

But, social media is only as good as the person using it. “Be the change you want to see in the world” - be the social media user you want to see in the world. I choose to use social media as a tool for connection and a place to be honest and vulnerable in order to foster that connection. My Instagram story and my Facebook feed are mixtures of mental health tips, irreverent jokes, social justice facts, pop culture recommendations, and my random thoughts and musings. I post the things that I like to see. I post the things that I need when I’m in a dark place. I post the things that make me think and laugh and amuse me. I understand that social media isn’t my diary, it’s not even my blog, but I can still use it to process my thoughts and feelings with people that I care about. I’ve got a voice. And I think it's irresponsible not to use that voice. I've always been the type of person who has something to say and speaks with intention and conviction. Why would I waste that? Using social media gives me the potential to reach thousands, from my couch. Blogging, podcasting, YouTube, social media has always just spoken to me. Maybe it's part of that gothpunk DOY aesthetic. I don't need to bow down to the man to get my message out. I don't have to work hard to find an audience and cater to it - I can slap a hashtag on it and move on. And yeah, sometimes I end up screaming into the void. But I need that and it's worth it to me, especially if there’s the chance that I can use social media to help others. Human beings are pack animals, we don’t want to be alone. I can use social media to make myself, and those around me, feel less alone. We an use social media responsibly and honestly, to make a better online community.

Your social media experience needs to be mindful and curated. It’s not enough to be thoughtful about what you post, you need to be thoughtful about what you consume as well. And while that seems logical and obvious, I’m surprised at how many people don’t think of it that way. Which leads to them thinking that social media is toxic. First of all, don’t follow people that you hate. Don’t follow people that you mildly dislike. Even if it’s family, or someone you know in person. Even if it’s someone that you like when you’re face to face with them. If their social media usage or persona is grating on you, stop following them. And that includes me. I can be a lot, and I’m well aware of it. Unfollow me, I won’t take it personally. Stop stalking your ex partners and your frenemies.  Don’t read the comments. Ever. Someone is always in the comments with that bullshit. Just, don’t do it. Don’t feed the trolls and don’t get into comment wars. Arguing on the internet has rarely, if ever, changed anyone’s mind. It just makes you upset and raises your blood pressure. Don’t read dumb shit. If you wouldn’t read tabloids in the grocery store, why are you visiting that website? Only read things from reputable sources. If you’re in groups, only join groups that you vibe with. Just because you have the shared belief that Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss are engaged, doesn't mean that these are the Kaylors for you. Social media is yours. The way I use social media works. At least for me. Curating my experience and posting with vulnerability works. People message me all the time with gratitude for what and how I post - and I'm thankful for them. I'm glad I can help people and be there for them, in a way that isn't intrusive and that feels good for both of us. 

Mindful as I am, and as much as I love social media, my relationship with social media is precarious at the moment. I’m not sure I want to keep using it. Without getting into the particular incidents and situations, I feel like I’m being both silenced and punished. Instagram and Facebook are actively suppressing minority content creators. I’d been suspecting I was shadowbanned, and then my account was reported. Because I was reported and my content was removed, Instagram has been watching my account and my reach has been suppressed and limited. My whole account could potentially be banned. If I don’t have reach or engagement, that actively effects what kind of streaming, hosting, blogging, and YouTube gigs I can book. Instagram has also removed my ability to do branded content partnerships, neither myself or brands I partner with can use my posts as ads. I’ve had a good month or two of people telling me how to use my social media, or why the way I use social media is wrong, and I’ve…had enough. I’m not stepping away at all, I just to recontextualize how I use it and how I respond to others.

The world is just getting more internet based. Not only did I make my last doctor's appointment online, but for the last four months I've actually been utilizing an online therapist. When was the last time you talked to a person to order food instead of using Doordash or Postmates? When was the last time you went into a store instead of going to Amazon? The internet isn't a replacement for face to face human interaction, but it is a good suplement. All you have to do, is be real. Just be real. And seek out real experiences. That's possible online and it's what we should all be striving for.

So, on that note, be mindful and protect your magic. It’s what I’m doing.

Until next time.

XO.

Bienvenue, 2019.

For what it’s worth... it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

The kisses have been kissed, the champagne has been drunk, the hangovers have been nursed, the black eyed peas have been eaten, and now we’re all setting into the new year. Bienvenue, 2019.

2018 was an odd year for me, and I’m not sure how I feel about it - even though I’ve attempted to reflect on it multiple times over the past six weeks. 2018 was full of deep spiritual lessons, massive upheaval and uncertainty… But, because the unbearable pain of previous years full of change and uncertainty wasn’t present I still have this feeling that 2018 was good…even if it was bad. I took my first expensive international vacation, I spent countless hours with friends, I took two road trips, I met new people, did new things, did a lot of freelance writing, hosted my first live streams, sprained my wrist, returned to the stage… But, I also feel like I was stagnant and didn’t do anything. I think not setting goals at the beginning of 2018 bit me in the end - I had nothing to look back on and measure against. 2018 allowed me to lay a strong foundation for the things that are to come, and in 2019 I am going to begin building.

Going into 2019 I’ve seen a lot of people lambasting a “New Year, New Me” mindset. While it’s true that you can choose to change and start over at any time, and that the calendar doesn’t wait for anyone - there’s also something lovely and refreshing to me to look at the beginning of the calendar year as a reset. I love a little self-reflection. I love seeing where I was, where I am, and where I want to go. I regularly reflect and set goals and assess. Why wouldn’t I want to start my year with that energy? It’s unfortunate to me that so many people see it as a cliche now and discount the efforts of others, or their own potential for change. Something about taking a deep breath in the midst of winter, when the world is quiet, and deciding who you want to be in the Spring when the world is new is - beautiful. I’ve decided that this year for me is about creation, manifestation and self-expression… And I will be setting goals for 2019.

I decided mid-way through December that in 2019 I wanted to be specific about what I want, be present, have complete confidence, finish what I start, and take action immediately in the upcoming year. But, it still didn’t feel like enough - it was a foundation that needed to be built on…the theme of 2018. I wanted to establish new habits (or renew old ones that have fallen by the wayside), and I wanted to passionately focus on health and self-compassion (not just love or care). By January 2nd, two different goal achieving plans fell into my lap. My friends Diana, Yvette, and I (along with others I’m sure), will be embarking on the Whole Life Challenge starting January 19th. Focusing on 8 daily habits; nutrition, exercise, mobility, sleep, hydration, well-being, reflection, and reading - we are challenging ourselves to build and sustain new habits for six weeks. I’m very excited.

While I was looking into Whole Life Challenge, my friend Zakk turned me onto Level 10 Life. I know nothing about the blog I pulled this info from, and I didn't read the book that this stems from - but, after a quick scan of this webpage (one of the first Google results for 'Level 10 Life'), I fell in with the idea of it.

“If we’re measuring our levels of success/satisfaction in any area of our lives, we all want to be living our best lives at a ‘Level 10’ in each area; Family & Friends, Personal Development, Spirituality, Finances, Career & Business, Significant Other/Romance, Fun & Recreation, Giving & Contribution, Physical Environment, Health & Fitness.

I want to live my Level 10 Life. Who doesn’t? How often do we joke about living our best lives? I was in. Creating your ‘Level 10 Life’ begins with creating an honest assessment of where you are. Utilizing the 'Wheel of Life Assessment’, a circle graph that is divided into 10 sections — one for each major area of focus in your life, you take a ‘gut feeling’ assessment of how satisfied you are in each of your 10 areas of focus. This gives you a glimpse at your life satisfaction overall. It is also a great starting point to figure out what areas you need to improve first to start living your Level 10 Life.

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With a combo of my laptop and my planner, I started my journey. While I’m genuinely happy, I ‘m not where I’d like to be. Not in any area. The darker lines are to mark where I started and see my progress as I work towards my Level 10 Life. I wrote out ten goals for all ten areas; 100 goals total. I condensed the essence of each goal into one sentence and wrote that in my planner. I want to be clear - these aren't 100 resolutions/goals for 2019. While I believe I could complete 100 goals in one year - I am focused on building and renewing good habits for my whole life. Progress, not perfection.

  • Family & Friends

    • Spend more time with Cloak friends outside of Cloak

    • Hang out with Phoenix, Blake, and Sami at least once a month

    • Make and keep dinner plans with friends I've drifted apart from or haven't seen in a while

    • Keep in touch when physical presence is an issue (Email, Phone, Text - social media isn’t enough)

    • Travel to visit friends and family more often

    • Go on a trip with my Mom

    • Spend more time with Heaven

    • Host a family dinner

    • Take more photos with friends and family

    • Be open to making new friends

  • Personal Development

    • Get more tattoos

    • Read 100 books

    • Journal every week

    • Set monthly goals

    • Improve my body language

    • Spend less time online

    • Go to three cities in America that I've never been to (Austin, TX; Portland, OR; Maui, HI)

    • Go to a country I've never been to (Morocco)

    • Practice my French

    • Start playing guitar again

  • Spirituality

    • Maintain a daily meditation practice

    • Write in my prayer/manifestation journal daily

    • Clearly define what my spirituality means to me

    • Clearly define and stick to a spiritual practice

    • Assess my state of mind nightly and re-align with my goals

    • Read 3 books about spirituality

    • Meditate outdoors once a month

    • Practice gratitude daily

    • Practice moderation

    • Practice with like-minded people

  • Finances

    • Save money

    • Pay off my credit card debt

    • Buy a new car

    • Figure out a better plan for my student debt

    • Stop getting paper bills in the mail

    • Spend less money monthly

    • Eat out fewer times a month

    • Raise my 401K contribution

    • Stop getting parking tickets

    • Start another side hustle

  • Career & Business

    • Transition into my new role at work

    • Embrace and thrive in my new role at work

    • Take a walk every working day (as long as weather permits)

    • Nurture a work/life balance

    • Make blogging a priority without falling into the 'blogging business' trap

    • Start podcasting again

    • Write more fiction

    • Collaborate with friends on their art

    • Network with more independent artists

    • Be a panelist at a Comic/Fandom Convention

  • Significant Other/Romance

    • Continue to embrace being single

    • Continue to work on myself

    • Let a friend set me up on a date

    • Refuse to settle

    • Waste no more time on abusive men

    • Be firm in my boundaries when dating

    • Go out more often

    • Stop using Bumble for 3-6 months

    • Visualize my ideal relationship

    • Research egg freezing

  • Fun & Recreation

    • Spend more time outdoors

    • Take a solo international trip

    • Take myself on a solo date once per month

    • Go to a big festival (Coachella, Burning Man, Wasteland Weekend)

    • Take a random weekend road trip

    • Start playing video games again/more often

    • Go to Disneyland once a month

    • Go to Universal Studios once a month

    • Go to a concert every other month

    • Go to a city I've already been to again (Seattle, WA; New York, NY)

  • Giving & Contribution

    • Support more small businesses

    • Do more thrifting

    • Research charities and pick THE one that I want to donate to

    • Volunteer in my local community

    • Do a charitable walk or fun-run

    • Give more money to Sigma Kappa

    • Find someone to mentor

    • Donate for my birthday

    • Do more giving directly to people and not organizations

    • Lower my carbon footprint

  • Physical Environment

    • Move to a new city that meets my commuting/social needs

    • Decorate my place in a way that aesthetically pleasing and healing

    • Get rid of things that I no longer need/want

    • Frame and hang art

    • Buy plants and flowers

    • Develop and stick to a cleaning schedule

    • Organize my make-up

    • Hold a clothing swap/donation event for my girlfriends

    • Make sure my home is energy efficient

    • Read Marie Kondo & Justina Blakeney's books

  • Health & Fitness

    • Complete the Whole Life Challenge

    • Take Moxi Skate classes

    • Start Circus/Aerial training again

    • Do more yoga & stretching

    • Continue to nurture my mental health

    • Go to an ENT

    • Attend a yoga/health retreat.

    • Eat less meat

    • Do a yoga inversion

    • Land a back-tuck

While I'm sure some of these may not make sense to you, this is a list of 100 and adding commentary to all of them would become completely unruly. If you’re really curious, you're more than welcome to ask me a few questions in the comments section (wink, wink). However, I am mostly posting this for personal, public accountability.

There’s more than enough time to set goals for 2019. I hope that you all know that in your heart. At any moment, you can choose to leave your past behind you and walk into a bright and bold future - even right now.

Until next time. xo

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect
On old long syne.

don't call it a comeback.

Hey. It's been a while. Nearly a whole year. Whoops. 2018 was a wild ride. It felt like it lasted forever, and it still somehow got completely away from me. I let the blog go dark, and while I'm not proud of it, I understand my own reasoning behind it.

At the beginning of the year I had a serious bout of imposter syndrome. I remember being out at a party and a good and old friend asked me what I had been working on & I didn't have an answer. I felt like the blog didn't count and I needed to be working on a "big" project - a book, a zine, a YouTube series - something "big" and "serious" that would get me noticed and end in fame and me having "made it". If I wasn't doing that, then I must be a fake. And I'm a fake and a nobody, then why do I need a blog?

So, to combat this, I started doing a lot of freelance writing. And guess what? Writing for other people meant I didn't have a lot of time to write for myself. While I'm proud of putting myself out there and doing something else - in the last few months I've realized it's not really where my heart is. The internet is full of people who wanna be the next Chris Hardwick and are begging you to like to subscribe because they're HUNGRY, they're STARVING for it - and I'm just...not. Don't get me wrong; I'm passionate about writing and fandom and curating a lifestyle and sharing that with people - but my endgame isn't to have to most like photo on Instagram. Which leads me to my next point...

The business of blogging is stressful and irritating - especially if you're buying into the "competition" and trying to be the most "liked". It takes time and money - to go to the newest places, eat the newest foods, create the best optics for the best photo. Without the money and the time I'm not able to produce content that I can be wholly proud of or that will be 'gram worthy, so I end up creating nothing, and impostor syndrome sets in again. Organic growth is nearly impossible - the algorithm has fucked up everything and who even checks their feed anymore when there are Stories? It is crazy hard trying to turn a profit, especially if you don't want to turn yourself into a product or shill someone else's product. Thousands of clicks and at the end of my best month, I still only made $20. It's dishonest - just google 'Instagram fake travel' or 'Instagram fake sponsorship' - even Bow Wow fell into the trap, remember the Bow Wow challenge? It's insidious. Everyone is trying to flex on every one else all for the likes. Half of the time, I was feeling like I was in a contest that I didn't enter myself in & didn't want to participate in - I don't need to be the most "liked". I don't need to seek that kind of validation, especially when I'm part of a family and friend communities that let me know that I'm actually loved.

I was reading a blog post by Rainier from Love Life of an Asian Guy, and it hit me hard. "You start to see each conversation not as an opportunity to truly bridge a connection with others, but as an opportunity to keep your audience stimulated, entertained, and happy. This isn’t to say that my opinions on these topics are fake. But they are just a snippet of how I feel and they lack the nuance and depth that I believe comes off smoother when I talk in person or during a livestream." Rainier just wants to blog, and so do I. I want to write & sometimes post nice photos without it being a big ordeal. I don't want to create content that is bite-sized or simple for people. I am not bite-sized or simple. I don't want to be an "influencer". I've said it before, and I stand behind it - swaying people's opinions & feelings isn't a joke, & I want to be accountable & only stand behind things I truly believe in.

The most impactful thing I did in 2018, the one that was most important to me, was participate in This is My Brave: Los Angeles. This Is My Brave, Inc. is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization is the leading platform for individuals to share their stories of living successful lives despite a diagnosis of a mental health disorder through artistic expression (spoken word poetry, original music and essay readings) on stage in front of a live audience. We're opening up the conversation about mental health disorders in communities all across the country and beyond via our YouTube channel. Writing about and publicly talking about my mental health was... freeing. Impactful. Important. Moving. It reminded of who I am and why I am. The response from friends and family who went to the show or watch it on YouTube was overwhelmingly positive. Just a few minutes of vulnerability and bravery, but they were the best minutes I had in 2018. And it was something that I did for me.

I am going to keep blogging. This isn't the first post like this I've written. I've stepped away and come back before; I've hit this spiral before. But, this time I am consciously disrupting the cycle. From this point forward, I blog for me. And I hope you stick around, and if you don't - that's cool too.

Until next time. xo.

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