BLM 2020

It is summer 2016. I am mindlessly scrolling through Twitter at the end of the night. I start seeing the tweets. Black man shot in Minnesota by the cops. My heart stops. My brother lives in Minnesota. I text him and his girlfriend. I scour twitter for information. I am crying as hard as I’ve ever cried - I am doing it quietly, because I don’t want my mom to hear me. I don’t know want her to know yet. My brother finally texts me back. He has been at home all night. I drop my phone and really let it out. I tell my mom what happened, I tell her Michael is safe. It wasn’t Michael; it was Philando. 

That was four years ago. The only reason I didn’t have a repeat of this exact situation earlier this week is because I have basically stopped using Twitter and because my brother has moved to Florida. I now only worry for his life because of COVID deniers. 

Respectable folks want to say nothing happens because of riots. But, uh…have you ever been to a PRIDE event? You can drink your overpriced, water downed cocktails and fondle a gay man’s abs, because black and brown trans women had decided that they had e-fucking-nough with the goddamned police and did what needed to be done. 

I am a “respectable” black person. I am your weird, quirky friend. I am the girl that has always been “pretty for a black girl”. I am your “oreo”. I am “not even that black”. And I’m sick of this shit. My Master’s Degree, my good job, my interracial neighborhood, and my allies have protected me so much as they can - but nothing can protect any person of color, any BLACK person, from racism in America. Dismantling racism is the only protection we will ever have. And if we have to dismantle this country for it to happen… I want my brothers and sisters to feel safe. I want to feel safe. Being respectable hasn’t ended racism. If it could have, it would’ve ended with Barack - there hasn’t been a more respectable black man…until Christian Cooper. 

We know that black people in America can’t drive, get pulled over, go jogging, sleep in their own home, defend their home from unidentified shooters, sell CD’s, go bird watching, have a bbq, relax in their own home, ask for help after being a car accident, have a cellphone, leave a party and get to safety, play loud music, walk home from the corner store, play cops and robbers, go to church, walk home with Skittles and Iced Tea, hold a hairbrush while leaving their own Bachelor party, party on NYE, lawfully carry a weapon, breakdown on a public road with a car known to have car problems, shop at WalMart, have a disabled vehicle, read a book in their own car, walk with their grandmother, decorate for a party, ask a cop a question, cash a check, take out their wallet, or breathe freely.

To those of you that know me, would you be surprised to know that I can’t go to Disneyland, go out dancing, go to concerts, get my nails done, play make-believe, go to my best friends house, jaywalk, date, pursue my education, go to the bank, be in a “white” neighborhood at night, drive my car, excel in my profession, walk around my own neighborhood, or cosplay without experiencing racism? I’ve experienced racism doing ALL of those things, and I walked away with my life…because the odds were in my favor that day. 

The whole world changed based off of one terrorist attack and drastic measures were taken almost everywhere that "inconvenienced" everyone for their own safety. Australia created and passed gun control laws after one mass shooting. But America still can’t figure out institutionalized racism? Excuse me? No one has any answers right now, except, “stop rioting”. What?

We are still in the middle of a pandemic. A respiratory illness with no cure and the police still think it’s necessary to shoot tear gas into crowds?? Address the problem. Eliminate the need for crowds to gather in a time when it’s not safe for crowds to gather. De-militarize the police. Retrain them. End systemic racism. 

And speaking of the pandemic… it was an issue until people found out that black peopled people of color, old people, and “sick” people were the only ones dying. Then they wanted their shops open again. They stormed the capital building with guns and they were “good people”. If they been out there, protesting because our government left us out in the cold to DIE, instead of having a full staffed CDC to protect us and heading the warning of the WHO - they maybe I would say they were good people. They wanted haircuts and to get their nails done and to eat at a restaurant. They are not good people.

Black people protesting and rioting and looting are not THUGS. First of all - there’s so much evidence that it is NOT black people incited violence or looting at all - but white opportunists making things worse. BUT - even if it was black folks; riots and looting are legitimate and profound forms of protest against a system that values goods and services more than human life. America’s value of goods and services over human life has never been more apparent than now; when we end an epidemic because people need to get their teeth cleaned. Furthermore, Donald Rumsfeld empathized with looters in Iraq, “And while no one condones looting, on the other hand one can understand the pent-up feelings that may result from decades of repression and people who've had members of their family killed by that regime, for them to be taking their feelings out on that regime.” Let’s keep that same energy now. 

As a society, we have no right to criticize or dictate how black people respond to over four hundred years of murder, oppression, violence, demonization, vilification, and being disadvantaged at every turn in a country that we built for free. Black people have peacefully protested over and over again, to no results. Where’s Collin Kaepernick’s job? Stop acting like Martin Luther King wasn’t assassinated.

Black people are angry. We have been victims to capitalism and racism our entire lives. We are grieving. Have you ever experienced grief? Grief doesn’t go away. It doesn’t end. If you’ve experienced personal grief, you know that it sits with you and bubbles over at the slightest provocation. Can you imagine systemic grief? Things can be replaced. Windows get boarded up, spray paint gets washed away. Black people, human lives, can’t be replaced. Black people have had ENOUGH. I am angry. I am grieving. I am TIRED. I am heartbroken. I have had ENOUGH. 

#AhmaudArbery

#BothamJean 

#AtatianaJefferson

#JonathanFerrell 

#RenishaMcBride

#StephonClark

#JordanEdwards

#JordanDavis

#AltonSterling

#AiyanaJones

#MikeBrown

#TamirRice

#Charleston9

#TrayvonMartin

#SeanBell

#OscarGrant

#SandraBland

#PhilandoCastile

#CoreyJones

#JohnCrawford

#TerrenceCrutcher

#KeithScott

#CliffordGlover

#ClaudeReese

#RandyEvans

#YvonneSmallwood

#AmadouDiallo

#WalterScott

#EricGarner

#FreddieGray

#GeorgeFloyd

#AndAllTheNamesWeDontKnow

More Quarantine Blues

'I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.' —Stephen Chbosky 

Because I was an edgy hipster on Tumblr in my early 20’s, I think and talk about this quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower  a lot. I’ve really be feeling it the past few days. 

California - Los Angeles, specifically, may be extending their Safer-At-Home policy. There’s no official news, just speculation. It’s a decision I support, even if it doesn’t make me happy. The virus and being healthy is my first priority. I have already lost one person that I loved dearly to it. It has devastated me. It has wrecked my family. I can’t go through that again. It’s been extremely nerve wracking and anxiety inducing to hear all of this talk of "opening back up”. To see the photos of these violent terrorists demanding that people put their lives at risk, so they can feel comfortable. We don’t have a solidified treatment plan or a vaccine for COVID-19. Herd Immunity isn’t going to save us. No one else should die from this. It needs to be eradicated. But, it’s still so new, that we barely know how it works. Being isolated isn't my first choice of how to live - but I'd rather do that, then rush going out into the world. 

The narrative seems to be that those of us who are glad that things remain shut-down are having the time of our lives, or we don’t care about the economy. That simply isn’t true. Our shut-down sucks. Workers are still at risk. Those of use who are at home don’t have adequate fiscal relief. We’re not enjoying this in a blanketed way; we’re making the best of things. We’re trying to find the silver lining in feeling like our local California government is *trying* to do the right thing. They are “trying” to keep us safe. Who thinks that we can actually go back to “normal”, when we’ve made no progress at curing this plague? Furthermore, I don't think our previous "normal" was healthy for us, as a society, or for the earth. So, I’m not really in a rush to get back to it. I wish this could last until we, as a people, learn from this pause and create lasting change for our society - particularly implementing universal basic income, healthcare for all, and more energy efficiency/green legislation. I am afraid that it won't happen though. I don't have faith in the leadership of our nation or our voting population to do the right thing. If they were going to do that - they would have already.

Our national leadership has failed us, and I can’t say this loudly enough to make it sink in. They failed us dramatically before COVID-19 was transmitted to a human, and they continue to fail us every single day. Being in isolation was supposed to give them time to actually do something. It wasn’t supposed to be the answer. We weren’t supposed to stay home until the virus “ended”. It was supposed to give time to keep the hospitals from becoming overwhelmed, to put contact tracing systems in place, to see how other countries have handled this, to heal the already sick, to find a way to limit and contain outbreaks, to fund a goddamned vaccine and clinical trials - AND THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT SUGGEST WE DRINK BLEACH. And support domestic terrorists who demand we go back outside and say that science is an evil lie. They have wasted the time we bought, by keeping ourselves safe, and we don’t being to have a grasp on when or how this will “end”. 

Too much thinking about anything that happens after this is stressful. I have tried to focus on the issues and things I can control and take care of; day by day. I have found joy moment to moment. I miss my family more than anything right now. I miss my friends to badly it hurts. I miss my job and the sense of pride it gave me - but I don't think going back to the way things were before is possible for our society as a whole, let alone our smaller society within my work place - an office building is a professional petri dish. I know that I am privileged, and that I’m looking on the bright side of things and being optimistic that I don’t have to be worried about my job. My company has great leadership and has lasted a long time in an ever changing retail landscape, when a lot of our competitors have not. I received unemployment benefits quickly and easily, and I had a savings account when this started. I realize how privileged I am to be able to compartmentalize my economic stress - but I don’t want to put other people at risk, to maintain my comfort. Human lives don’t have a dollar sign attached to them. I would rather be uncomfortable, then put another person at risk. 

Anyone who thinks anyone is outright enjoying this, with no pain, no fear, no trauma, is just not thinking. All of this is pure suffering. We can escape into Twitch, Netflix, and whatever else to occupy our time, but it is an escape. We are constantly reminded that this is happening because people are dying. We are actively combatting our multi-faceted fears. Very few people want to not go anywhere. That’s why solitary confinement and ankle bracelets are punishments. This shit is inhumane but what other choice do we have? This sucks. Even though the over-arching theme of this is scary and hard - I am doing my best to enjoy this and make the most of it. There's never been another time in my adult life where I've been able to watch all the television and movies I wanted to, read multiple books a week, play my fill of video games, pick up multiple new hobbies, and not be stressed about money, either. And this probably won't happen for me again until I retire. And when I can think about that, and not the terror that I feel, it’s okay. 

I can be happy about this, because I value people coming together and doing the work, and I value human lives. I want to stay in, because I don’t myself, my housemates, or anyone else to die. No one’s life is less important than my personal economy, the national economy, or me being able to go out and about the way I used to.  Our national leadership is off the rails, and I’m blessed and proud to be a Californian. It sucks that we have to do this, but I will do it. I’m not going to be part of the problem when the death toll in the US hits 1 million. And that makes me happy and sad at the same time.

And I swear to god, if I hear one more person talk about this being a conspiracy, I will personally mail a bag a of cow shit to their front door. The end. Goodbye.

Until next time.

xo

Life in the Time of COVID-19

2020. Everyone wanted the roaring 20’s and here we are; a great plague, economic collapse, and no drinking in bars.

In January, when reports were starting to come out of China and the WHO was briefing the president, the majority of Americans thought it was no worse than the flu - if they were aware at all - myself, included.

In February, it became the bane of my working life. I’m an assistant buyer for an international retailer. I help create product, place orders for product, and track the shipment of product to stores. A lot of our product is produced in China. China was shut down. So, it was a work stress. But, it was a work stress that stayed at work. I watched the news, I read the stories, I was aware - but I wasn’t worried or concerned. Life continued as normal. I went to work, I went out dancing, I spent time with my friends, I went to Disneyland - unaware that for a lot of these things, it would be the last time I was doing them.

In March, I got concerned. It was in America. Our government had done nothing to prevent it, to mitigate it, to protect us. I started carrying Lysol in my purse. I started washing my hands every hour - regardless of whether or not they felt clean. Things started to close down. First my favorite club, then Disneyland, then the Renaissance Faire. Then I got worried. I read more about it, learned how it worked; realized that the majority of people I love are high risk. My employer told us to start working from home - first it was going to be a trial day the following week - then as my reports came in; it was go home tonight, take your laptop with you, and don’t come back to the office until it’s safe. We rerouted a Disneyland vacation weekend to Joshua Tree. We cancelled Joshua Tree. My aunt was hospitalized. We were scared.

In April, I was terrified. There was no leadership from our joke of a Federal Government. Local Governments were doing the best they could; I was very happy to be in California. I was furloughed from work - how can you pay your employees when all of the malls are closed? I had money in the bank and I applied for benefits easily and early. I was one of the lucky ones. My friends started knowing people who had passed. I was trying to be productive, and also trying to treat myself with grace. This was hard. It was scary. It was all encompassing. Nothing about life was the same. I never spent this much time at home, I wasn’t ever this still. I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t settled into a routine. The news was worse every day. My aunt passed. My heart broke.

It’s May. I am tired. I am sad. I am wistful and hopeful. Irritated and grumpy. Sleep has been easier since I was gifted a weighted blanket. Animal Crossing, Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, and library books fill my time. I’m starting a Twitch channel. I’ve created a TikTok. I haven’t fallen into that routine I dream of. There’s no rising with the sun to a warm cup of coffee and avocado toast. I haven’t been working out or doing my yoga with any consistency and my body knows. It yells at me for it. I haven’t been good about reaching out to my friends first or keeping our Zoom dates. I’m not taking as many showers or baths as I want to. I am surviving. And there’s no shame in that. Living in survival mode is difficult…but I’ve done it before. Never while the rest of the world was, but…that’s quarantine, baby. I keep reminding myself that I need to extend kindness to myself. This is not a vacation or a productivity contest. And while there are moments of bliss in each day - I am part of a world that is terrified, grieving, and exhausted. 

Executive dysfunction has made me it’s a bitch. I’m writing small lists every day, to try and mitigate the distractions. If I get one thing done every day, then it’s a good day. I have a lot of projects I am working on; online content, learning to play the ukulele, a D&D campaign for a podcast, a comic, a book/script set during a zombie apocalypse (yes, I see the irony. It’s an old project I had given up on at one point, but was encouraged to continue). I look for the good in this; the sense of community I still have thanks to the internet, that I’ve completed projects around the house that had been on hold for years, that I’ve watched movies and television shows that I’ve been meaning to, that I’m spending more time with my mom. The baseline things - there’s a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my fridge. That I have the luxury of staying at home and self-isolating. 

There’s so much talk about “going back to normal”. I have no hunger for that, even though I’ve been isolated since March 13th. We have no real treatment for the virus, and flattening the curve is just flattening - it won’t stop people from catching it and dying. I don’t need to get my nails done by a professional that badly. Any problem that existed in our “normal” has been exacerbated by this pandemic; and we can’t forget that or turn a blind eye to it. America is a dying empire - our political, social, economic, cultural, and societal issues are festering wounds that are going to kill us. Our leaders are inept. The election in November is in the process of being stolen from the people. Our infrastructure is a decayed mess. The gap between the rich and the poor is a chasm, and they’re demanding the poor die, as they’re “essential”. We have no more critical thinking skills, no common sense. This is not a “normal” I want to go back to. Inequality, selfishness, and a lack of empathy is not the “normal” I am looking for in this. The impact of this pandemic is not something that we can erase.

I hope for a new future, a new normal. One where all of our citizens are cared for; fiscally, physically, mentally, emotionally. Where we have competent leaders, universal basic income, and comprehensive healthcare. Where we lead with empathy and utilize fact and science. Where we have a fully staffed and working CDC. I dream of rebuilding my life when it’s safe to do so; seeing my family and friends, trips to Disneyland, traveling, going out dancing, stumbling out of the bar at last call, returning to work and my co-workers, building my empire of online content and writing, leaving my apartment for more than five minutes, laying out on the beach.

Until then, I take things day by day; moment by moment. Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst. With grace and patience.

Until next time.

Xo

2019 - I Hardly Knew Ye.

2019 sucked. That’s the long and short of it, and why I haven’t felt like writing a recap. I don’t think this will be a very long entry, because of that. In the micro scale - 2019 was a very difficult year and I spent most of cradling deep grief and in survival mode. On a macro scale - summing up a decade is impossible. Particularly when you consider than 2010-2020 was the bulk of my 20s.

Being in your 20s is a very odd and complex experience - you’re not a child, but you’re definitely not grown either. I learned more than I ever cared to. For the entire decade, I can admit looking back, that I always felt like I was in flux. Every time I thought I had things figured out the rug was pulled from under me and things changed. Nothing was constant. Friendships, relationships, jobs, goals. living situations. Once things were stable, they changed again and again and again. Over and over and over again, I was forced to ask myself who I was and what I wanted… and that’s okay. Honestly, it’s ideal.

I, as a spirit and a light being, came to this earth, at this time, this way, to have a human experience. And how fun would that be if I had everything figured out? It wouldn’t be very human. I appreciate everything I’ve gone through and I have respect and gratitude for it - while understanding that not all of it was beautiful or lovely, or what I thought I wanted. Not all of it was kind, not all of it was fun, but it was mine and I am this person because of it. Thank u, next.

2019 had big ‘Thank u, next'‘ energy. I have no shame about what I endured or how I handled it - in fact, I’m rather proud of myself. I chose myself in 2019, in a radical, beautiful, and loving way. It’s something to celebrate. And while I will celebrate how I’ve changed in the last year and in the last decade - I don’t want to dwell in them. I’d prefer to look forward.

I hadn’t been feeling like myself when 2020 started. Rather than attempting to get back to old versions of myself, I’ve decided to find out who this new person is. My hair is pink now and probably will be for a long time. I’ve started working out and getting into movement again. I am chasing some dreams. I have some big plans and goals. While working on moving myself forward, I’m also allowing myself to surrender to divinity and whatever the universe has in store for me,

Until next time.

XO