these are a few of my favorite things...

It's my birthday! My favorite day of the year. I'll be 28 at 6:36pm. Being born on the 8th in the year 1988, means that 8 has been favorite number since I was a kid. I love numbers that end in 8, and 28 holds a special place in my heart, so I have high hopes for this year. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection (when aren't I?), and thinking about what this birthday means to me. I got stuck on the idea of favorites, so I'm dedicating this entry to myself and my favorite things! I'm kinda like Oprah, except there is absolutely nothing under your chair, unless you put it there yourself.

I wrote this "poem" (I hate the word poem, btw. It makes my skin crawl. I have the same reaction to it as the word moist. I just feel dirty after it) a few years ago for a project I've since put on pause. It's based on a very real event. 

i have favorites;

favorite songs, favorite films, favorite television shows, favorites words, favorite paintings, favorite books, favorite articles of clothing, favorite foods, favorite scents, favorite songs, favorite people, favorite memories.

my favorites can even be divided into sub-favorites; favorites of the moment, favorites during high school, favorites last winter, least favorites.

and i did not know why until i was hanging out with a boy

and i kept asking him what his favorite thing was;

season, type of weather, class at school

and he kept shrugging and i looked at him like he was crazy and he looked at me like i was crazy (and in hindsight i should have known my infatuation would go up in flames as it did three weeks later)

and he said, he didn't have a favorite anything. and i said, but everyone has to.

he said he never thought about it. i told him i always did. and he asked me

why. and i paused. and then said. stability.

he blinked and asked what i meant and i rehashed my parents and my childhood, (we had bonded over our broken families). 

no matter how many times my dad left, or fights i got into with my brothers, or friends i lost, when things on the outside changed

i was still a girl who like beauty and the beast, spicy tacos, spiced soy chai latte, and the addams family best of all.

no matter how many boys broke my heart, classes i didn't do well in, disappointments i heaped upon myself, 

i will always be someone who loves johnny rocket's because it reminds me of being a little girl and having lunch with my mom,  who likes fall, the rain, the ocean and the full moon best of all.

if i go somewhere else different, lose my family, my emotions change me into a monster, when things fall apart, the universe takes a shit on my life,

and all of the real things that make me a person fade away,

i can fill myself with favorite things like i'm a nun in the sound of music and my favorite things can pull me through until i find out who i am again. 

he cocked his head to the side and said it was cute. then he changed the subject, asked if i had any dvds and wantedto talk about using drugs and bad trips and i had nothing to say on the subject.

so we watched a few episodes of gossip girl before i pretended to be tired and asked him politely to leave. he dumped me a few weeks later in a text message.

i cried for a night, then the next morning, at my best friend and roommate’s behest i put on my favorite jeans, made up my face with my favorite glittered shadow, went to my favorite local coffee shop for a thai tea with soy milk,

and life rolled on, as it has a habit of doing.

I'm so deep, right? Anyway. Here's a list of my utterly favorite and most cherished things out of all the things in the universe. 

Albums

Depeche Mode - Violator, The Distillers - Coral Fang, AFI - Sing the Sorrow, No Doubt- Tragic Kingdom, David Bowie - The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars, Prince - Purple Rain, Tegan & Sara - The Con, The Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, The Cure - Disintegration, Britney Spears - Blackout, Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine, Amanda Palmer - Who Killed Amanda Palmer?, The Spice Girls - Spice/Spice World, Nirvana - Nevermind, Hole - Live Through This, Siouxsie and the Banshees - Juju, Bauhaus - Mask The Go Go’s - Beauty and the Beat, Fleetwod Mac - Rumors,  Brand New - Deja Entendu, Marilyn Manson- Mechanical Animals, The Used - In Love and Death

Bands/Singers/Etc.

Prince, Depeche Mode, David Bowie, No Doubt, AFI, Blaqk Audio, Queen, The Smashing Pumpkins, The Cure, The Smiths, Cyndi Lauper, Oingo Boingo, Brody Dalle, Tiger Army, Nirvana, Hole, Tegan & Sara, The Horrorpops, Amanda Palmer, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Blink 182, All Time Low, Matchbook Romance, Alkaline Trio, Dashboard Confessional, O-Town, Lady Gaga, Good Charlotte, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Interpol, Brand New, My Chemical Romance, The Used, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Placebo, The Misfits, Motley Crue, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zeppelin, theSTART, 30 Seconds to Mars, Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, Lacey Sturm, Girl In A Coma, Florence + The Machine, Paramore, VNV Nation, Emelie Autumn, Coheed and Cambria, Alien Ant Farm, Lights, PVRIS, Sleeping with Sirens, Set It Off, Black Veil Brides, Issues, Memphis May Fire, Falling In Reverse, Pierce the Veil, Melanie Martinez, Halsey, Banks, Beyoncé, The Weeknd, Drake, Justin Beiber, One Direction, Zayn

Movies

Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, What Dreams May Come, Bride of Frankenstein, Moulin Rouge, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Jeux D’enfants, Inception, Labyrinth, The Godfather, Amadeus, Edward Scissorhands, Finding Neverland, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Batman, Kill Bill, Star Wars (The original trilogy), Closer, Gypsy 83, Unfaithful, Dude, Where’s My Car?, Tropic Thunder, A Goofy Movie, Hook, Jurassic Park, Star Trek, The Princess Bride, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Clueless, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Armageddon, The Silence of the Lambs, Studio 54, The Goonies, Monster Squad

Horror Movies

IT, Rob Zombie’s Halloween, The Scream Quadrilogy, The Cabin in the Woods, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Psycho, Sleepwalkers, Silver Bullet, The Shining, Carrie, Nightmare on Elm Street, Paranormal Activity, Friday the 13th

Actors/Actresses

Christopher Lloyd, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Phylicia Rashad, Audrey Hepburn, Marlon Brando, Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Dandridge, Lena Horne, Richard Pryor, Helena Bonham Carter, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Rene Russo, Christopher Walken, Anne Hathaway, Robert Downey Jr., Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence

TV Shows

The Addams Family, Alias, Game of Thrones, Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, How To Get Away With Murder, Parks and Recs, Bob’s Burgers, Archer, Gossip Girl, True Blood, The Simpsons, Saved By The Bell, Sex and the City, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Married with Children, Arrested Development, Gossip Girl, Elementary, Law and Order: SVU, Castle, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, Batman, The Munsters, Key and Peele, The Twilight Zone, Orange is the new Black, Once Upon a Time, Goosebumps, BoJack Horseman, Rizzoli and Isles 

Cartoons

Batman: The Animated Series, Jem, Recess, Sailor Moon, Steven Universe, Gargoyles, Duck Tales, Quack Pack, Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers, Tail Spin, Adventures of the Gummi Bears, Darkwing Duck, Animaniacs, Freakazoid, Bobby's World, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Taz-Mania, Eek! The Cat, Tiny Toon Adventures, X-Men, Doug, The Tick, Phineas and Ferb, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rugrats, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius

Books

Weetzie Bat, James and the Giant Peach, Their Eyes Were Watching God, The Stepford Wives, Needful Things, The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles, Breakfast At Tiffany’s, The Face on the Milk Carton, Christine, The Virgin Suicides, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Choke, Pride and Prejudice, Snuff, Catcher and the Rye, The Giver, The Bell Jar, Peeps, Tithe (trilogy), A Series of Unfortunate Events, Island of the Blue Dolphins

Plays

Medea, Antigone, Salome, Words Words Words, English Made Simple, Baby With the Bathwater, Hamletmachine, The Goat or Who Is Sylvia?, Savage/Love, Blood Wedding, The Crucible, Inherit the Wind, A Raisin in the Sun, Electra, Phaedra, Midsummer Night’s Dream, Fuente Ovejuna, The Tempest, King Lear, A Streetcar Named Desire, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

Musicals

Into the Woods, Hamilton, Phantom of the Opera, The Book of Mormon, Chicago, Dreamgirls,Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Jesus Christ Superstar, Les Miserables, Little Shop of Horrors, Rent, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Sweeney Todd, Westside Story, Wicked, The Wiz, Cabaret

Foods (I was vegetarian for 9 years and am still mostly meatless, so most of these are the vegetarian versions)

Tacos, Chocolate Covered Strawberries, Waffles, Burritos, Cheese, Chili, Lasagna, Veggie Burgers, Nachos, Collard Greens, Egg rolls, Wonton Soup, Ice Cream, Soy Dogs, Mac and Cheese, Peach Cobbler, Gumbo, Cookies, Cheese Cake, Grilled Cheese, PB & J, French Fries, Cinnamon Rolls, Chips and Salsa, Tomato Soup

Fruits and Veggies

Potatoes, Avocados, Watermelon, Peaches, Strawberries, Tomato, Brussel Sprouts, Cabbage, Cucumber, Mushrooms, Pumpkins

Flavors of Ice Cream

Strawberry, Mint Chip, Ben N Jerry's Cookie Dough,  Ben N Jerry's Half Baked,  Ben N Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup

Junk Foods

Dorritos, Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles, Hot Cheeto Fries, Chocolate Donettes, Cup O’ Noodle/Top Ramen, Kettle Korn

Cereals

Trix, Frosted Mini Wheats, Oh’s, Raisin Bran, Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Golden Grahams

Candy

Pink Starburst, Haribo Gummy Bears, Milky Way, Jelly Belly’s, Milky Way Midnight, Peanut Butter M&M’s

Drinks

Coffee, Coca Cola (especially Vanilla or Cherry), Tea, Sweet Tea, Champagne, Beer, Sparkling Water, Moscow Mules, Margaritas, Salty Dogs

Starbucks Orders

Soy Chai, Cold Brew coffee with soy milk, Soy caramel macchiato, Strawberry Acai refresher, Citrus green tea latte with soy, Mango black tea , Soy Cinnamon dulce latte, 

Holidays

Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, Valentines Day, Halloween, Christmas

Things to Do

Sing, Read, Write, Go to shows, Take naps, Laugh, Watch movies, Go to live theater, be kissed, Walk on the shore, Drive really fast late at night, Go to conventions and fan stuff, Be in nature for limited amounts of time, Be with the people I love, Call people by their full names 

Yeah, I like a lot of stuff. I also dislike a lot of stuff, but that's for a different post. Maybe my half birthday?

Here's to the next year. Maybe it full of growth, change, happiness, and favorites. 

Oh, I made you a bonus playlist. Full of, you guessed it, my favorite songs. Enjoy. xoxo 

Not Enough

There's not enough of me.

There isn't enough left.

I gave too many pieces away.

I didn't think that I'd need some for myself.

I wanted to help.

I wanted to make you happy.

I wanted to fill your holes.

So I reached into myself.

I reached in and I scooped out the parts I thought you would like.

The song lyrics.

The recipes.

The favorite episodes of favorite television shows.

The photos of the favorite parts of my body.

The smiles.

The quotes.

The parts of myself that I loved.

That I thought you would love.

That I thought I would always have access to, because you would be there.

But you are not here.

And there's not enough of me left now.

Because you weren't the first.

But there isn't enough of me.

There's not enough of me to go around.

I am not a bowl of macaroni at a cook out.

I should not have let so many take plates to go.

Because there's not enough of me left to go around.

There's not enough of me left for me.

May 2016 Playlist

You thought I had forgotten, didn't you? I didn't. It's just been a BUSY BUSY week. I haven't been writing much about my life and what's going on it. Hasn't been much to report; but I'm going to explain why in my next post.

Anyway; here's a taste of what I've been into this month. Enjoy! 

pretty girls don't know the things that i know

I started writing about this topic two years ago; it was for a project of personal essays I'm slowly collecting to form into a book (years from now; when people will actually give a shit about what I have to say). The original incarnation of this piece was so powerful it shook me to my foundation and forced me to change. Then my goddamn fucking iPad ate it, and I cried and yelled at Apple Support over the phone until they got me on the phone with engineering, who couldn't recover it, despite a valiant effort. I gave up on it. I felt that maybe I had written it just for me. I was the only one who needed it. It’s job was done, and it’s disappearance into the ether didn’t matter. I was driving the other day (most of my life for the past six weeks has been driving) and thinking about how much has changed, and decided to revisit this topic. I will always think the first one was better, but whatever.

I suffered from low self-esteem for twenty years. Twenty fucking years of hating myself and being unhappy with the face and body I saw in the mirror. What a waste of time. What a sickness. I don't particularly remember when it started, why it started. I just know it is something I've lived with for a long time.

I didn't care about what I looked like as a child. I looked like my mom. My mom was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in real life; her and Jeri Haliburton ( a woman who went to our church and wore fabulous hats). I thought I'd grow up to be pretty like them, but I didn't care. I wanted to run barefoot in the sand, until the bottoms of my feet were black. I wanted to play with my Barbies, and host elaborate games of make believe. The only thing I wanted back then was a ballgown and hair down to my knees, and bed sheets and towels were fine substitutes. I loved my body back then. It could dance and jump and swing higher than any other kid at the park.

I remember my brothers teasing me. That's what older brothers do. My nose was big. My nose looked just like theirs. We have our mom's nose. Her whole family has it. I had a big butt. Every female in our family does. We make the Kardashians look like jokes, even post implants. I didn’t like it when they made fun of me. I usually started crying. But, I was still me and I didn’t notice anything different when I looked in the mirror, except an awesome girl who dressed like Blossom and wanted to be a rock star and a ballerina and veterinarian and a secretary when she grew up.

My first kindergarten crush didn’t like me. I gave him one of my class pictures. He threw it back in my face and said, “Girls are gross!”. I didn’t take this as a personal offense. I just thought he was dumb, and didn’t realize how awesome girls, particularly, me, actually were. My third grade crush called me a poser and said he’d never like a girl like me. I was crushed. When my brother and I were walking home, he said, what he thought was, sage and comforting advice. “You’re pretty for a black girl, but you’re not the kind of girls boys like”. I ruminated over his advice as much an 8 year old could. I didn’t know these phrases were phrases that reappear over my life, and ultimately, fuck me up and make me hate myself.

I remember the first time shame about my body set it. I was 9. A family friend had bought me a new bathing suit. It was navy blue with yellow sunflowers. I thought it was the cutest thing and could not wait to wear it. It wasn't until I tried it on at home and the giggles about my big backside made me question it. Question myself. I wore a t-shirt over it on my class trip the beach. My mom asked why when she had my photos developed. I told her the truth. Her eyes narrowed and she said, "I'm going to talk to those boys." But, it was too late.

The damage was done. By middle school when puberty hit, acne set in, weight settled in new places, and I could not make a school uniform stylish or cute, I was done. I was not one of the pretty girls. I was, just barely, part of an in crowd. In fact, a lot of my friends were mean girls. I don't blame them, we didn't know any better. We were victims of a societal conditioning. I just took it to heart. I was about thirteen when I really stopped thinking I was pretty. This is also when I remember feeling depressed for the first time in my life. I don't think there's a causation here, I do think there's a correlation.

I tried to fight it in high school. I was unsuccessful. I monitored the things I ate with an unhealthy amount of zeal. Just five pounds, and I thought I would transform like Cinderella. It didn't work that way. It didn't matter what color box braids I installed, how black my clothing was, how dramatic my eye make up was. I could emulate Gwen Stefani, Brody Dalle, Ronnie Spektor, and Prince until my lips turned blue, it didn't silence the conversation in my head. This conversation was reinforced by outside influences. Despite being a good and passionate dancer, I never made the dance team. It didn't stop me from auditioning every spring, it didn't stop me from taking beginning dance multiple times. It, did, however, wreck my brain. I did not look like the girls who made the team, and that's why I didn't make the team.

And then there was that phrase. “You’re pretty for a black girl, but you’re not the kind of girls boys like”. My first love told me, "pretty", but not "hot". He meant to tell me that I was attractive, but not slutty. Which eventually meant he'd hook up with someone else in front of me, but whatevs. I was lead to continue to believe that I was not desireable, so I was not pretty at all. I was smart, I was funny, I was talented, but boys don't like those things. I was not the kind of girl that boys like. I was pretty for a black girl, but that alone implies that black girls are so low on the sliding scale, I shouldn't even bother.

I literally cried when the proofs for my senior pictures came home. I can remember the day they were taken vividly. I had box braids my whole high school career, but neither my mom or I wanted them in my senior picture. She took them down, and blew out my hair, it reached the middle of my back. She did my make up that...no dramatic Amy Winehouse cat eye. I went to school and two boys gawked at me, "Is she new?" They couldn't believe I was the same girl who sat in the back of their math class drawing on her sneakers. The photographer said I looked like Halle Berry. I was flattered by her kindness, but I didn't believe her. The pictures came in a few weeks later. My mom and my brother kept talking about how beautiful I looked. I sobbed and begged them to stop lying to me. I wasn't beautiful. I didn't want my mom to order the pictures, they were hideous, I was hideous.

The brain is a funny place. Outside influences were what first convinced me that I was ugly, but they weren't enough to unconvince me of that fact. A freshman boy my senior year took to calling me "Storm", because to him, I looked like Storm from the X-Men, and he begged our shared English teacher to introduce him. My English teacher told me about it and laughed it off. "You're hot, you know that right?" He wasn't creepy, he knew I was in pain and couldn't see myself. My third grade crush asked me for a dance at our senior prom and I shrugged.

Being pretty had never been my currecy. It wasn't something I didn't know how to trade in. I had instead created other currency. Intelligence, talent, kindness, spunk, attitude, taste. I went to college with these tools, pledged a sorority, and thought the struggles were behind me. They weren't. I was just starting to unravel the ball of twine that was my self-esteem.

Theatre, something I had always been passionate about, what I decided to major in, was my first lifeline. I was in The Vagina Monologues my freshman year, on what was basically a whim. "My Short Skirt" by Eve Ensler, made me realize how valuable my appearance was and how little it had to do with anyone else. My sophomore year I enrolled in a class called "Theatre and Community"; we had to research an issue affecting our community and write and perform a piece of theater about it for our final. I wrote about low self-esteem in college aged females. I interviewed my friends, my family, my professors. I read books by bell hooks, and debated the finer points with the head of the Gender Studies department. I broke open during our performance and started crying. There was an energy in that room I've never experienced since. I was learning.

College was great in other ways. There were boys everywhere. And boys who didn't think I was pretty could easily be replaced with ones who did. My freshman year crush disappeared for a few semesters, reappeared my Junior year, and made out with me under a stairwell. I saw myself through his eyes; curvy and fun, a good dancer, good taste in music, full lips and dark eyes. I was beginning to own myself.

My post college boyfriends made were also a help in undoing that ball of twine. The nameless ex who broke me apart was really responsible for holding me together for a long time. I will always be in his debt for allowing me to realize that a man could love me unconditionally. I didn't know that before him. The love of men had always come with strings attached, been based on something I couldn't qualify or measure up to. He allowed me to learn that I was enough. Skinny, fat, happy, sad, I was enough. I started to lose that after our parting. I dyed my hair fire engine red, lost five dress sizes, and started wearing colored contacts. One of my friends said he liked he changes but wanted to know why, I told him the truth. My breakup was fucking with my head, he told me I was enough. Of course, I started dating him months later.

It was after he and I fizzled that I started writing this the first time. My therapist and I were having a very long conversation about my relationships with men and my self-esteem and how they intersected. I gave the easy answer; my father abandoned me, I was another daddy issued cliche. It was a surface scratcher. I kept thinking about her questions as I drove home and started writing when I got there. I don't have the first version, so I don't know how it differs from this one. I just know the first time I wrote this, I began to heal for real for real this time. I reopened an old wound and cleaned out of all the dirt and debris. That was almost two years ago.

Am I perfect now? No, not by any means. I put on quite a few pounds this winter, and I had a really rough time with it. But, instead of living in a hateful place, I live in a loving place. I have bought into myself. I have bought into the body positivity movement. I have bought into the rampant celebration of black women and #blackgirlmagic on the internet. It has taken me 20 years, but when someone calls me pretty, I can simply reply thank you. I get hella Tinder matches. I have healthy relationships with men. I take selfies because I enjoy looking at my own face, when a few years ago I reacted to mirrors the way vampires do.

I don't know how to wrap this up with a bow and end it. I don't know what someone else is going to get from this. Maybe, I just needed to have this conversation with myself again. So, here it is.

Until next time xo

Oh hey look, it's baby Jordan.

ETA (a few weeks later): There's something I'd like to address ... I didn't gain a true appreciation for my body until I realized the amazing things it was capable of. When I started using my body differently; swimming, biking, weight lifting, it was then that I became impressed with fabulous machine of mine.