“I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I don’t intend this to be a long entry but it’s something I need to put out into the universe.
This week last year was a big week of my life. I both mourned my Grandmother’s death on January 25th and celebrated the wedding of one of my best friend’s (Sirose) on January 30th. My Grandmother was laid to rest on February 10th and on February 11th my mom, my niece, my best friend Sami, and I went to Disneyland to get the taste of mourning out of our mouths.
Last year was a year of happy/sad for me and I am still thinking and unpacking and figuring out where that puts me now. I have been feeling more like I am the half idea expressed in a parenthesis than a full sentence, recently. When one door closes, another one opens, but it sure is hell in the hallway. I am in the hallway. The last time I was stuck in the hallway, I was applying to Grad Schools and working a part time, minimum wage job I hated, knowing that when the semester started I’d be a completely different person. I don’t know what’s beyond the next open door (Insert Frozen “Love is an Open Door” joke). I think I’m better prepared to walk through it this time. I hate free time. I really fucking do. I don’t know how to relax or vacation and it drives me crazy. I’ve had more free time in the last six months than I have in years and while part of it is nursing burn out (I was at my old job for four years and only once took more than 5 days off in a row), I am so bored I’m gonna lose my mind.
January is almost over. This was a trial month with the option to buy. My real 2016 starts in February. I am asking for happy/happy. I think I deserve it.
Be gentle with yourselves and each other.