ugh. what is this world.

I've been waking up sad recently. I had a matter of the heart go not the way I wanted it to. Then Bernie Sanders lost the CA primary. Then Christina Grimmie was murdered. Then Orlando. Then all of the other shootings. And there have been no changes. None. It hurts. All of it hurts so much. 

I don't have a hot take. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said. I don't want to argue with egg accounts on twitter about gun control. I don't want to post more sad and angry lyrics hoping he'll see them. I don't want to vote for a third party candidate. 

My therapist and I had to go back and so some deep dirty work recently. We did an exercise we haven't done for a while... I forgot until we got to the end, that it ends with lay down and die. Every choice is life or death. Every fear ends with giving up and curling up dying. And that's obviously not a choice. You don't lay down and die. What do you do?

I'm ending this a quote by one of my favorite writers/musicians. "every time shit like this happens my heart breaks open a little wider and the space that is left also gets filled with resolve. resolve to stay calm and compassionate and centered. unafraid. more loving. more convinced that there is value to stopping a breathing and considering what is necessary to say, and how, and when. to cause no more pain...we have enough. the ingredients that will actually add a drop of hope to the cesspool." - amanda palmer

You leave your heart open and you do the dirty work and you make it better. I don't know what this world is. But I want to make it a better place where girls like me don't wake up sad.