Something bad happened to me last year. I’m not going to go into details, but it it was something that was done to me, against my will, that hurt me. I knew this was going to trouble me for some time after. My friends were there in the moments immediately after and did all they could so the bad thing didn’t become a worse thing. I immediately contacted my therapist and I told my mom. I contacted the authorities. I did everything right. And I did everything I could to move on. But, moving on is a bitch.
Life moves on. Whether you’re ready for it to or not. So, you’re trying to process something bad, and then you have to break up with a friend. And then you’ve got weddings to attend. And then your concert tickets can’t go to waste. And then there’s big news at work. And you’re trying to process, but you’re also trying to live your life to the fullest. Moving on is a bitch.
And sometimes while you’re trying to move forward, you feel like you’re moving backwards. Because new pains remind you of old pains and scars start to throb and memories come rushing back, and the lid of the box where you keep all the bad things is nowhere to be found and all of a sudden you’re stuck in time. Reliving all of the pain all over again.
It hasn’t been an easy year. When trauma is compounded with more trauma… it hasn’t been an easy few years, to that point.
But, the sun always shines. I was forced to stand up. To stand in my power. When I wanted nothing more than to lay on the ground and never get up. The way trauma ripples through you and touches everything; so does your power. Stand up, stand in your power. I’ve watched my life change in the last year in ways I could never imagine. Every misstep allowed me to make a better move. I’m never going to say I’m grateful for what I went through, I’m never going to say it was a good thing. But, the sun always shines.
I’m a different person one year later. I’m proud of this person. I’m glad about how she navigated grief and adversity. I’m proud that she didn’t let a bad person hamper her belief that people are good. I’m proud that she never let a broken heart stop her from believing in love. I’m proud that with shaken confidence she kept walking. I’m glad that she makes measured decisions, that she uses her voice, that she keeps certain truths within her heart, that she tries and tries again, and that’s she still here. Standing in her power.
I look forward to a year from now. When it’s two years later. And to the years when I no longer mark the years it’s been.