Weird Dream

Pardon our dust, this corridor of the mall is going through some improvements! (What I mean is, I'm redesigning to better align with my vision and professional goals, but I accidentally deleted some of the old parts of the website and now things look weird. I need to afford to pay someone to do the stuff for me). 

Anyway, I don't have anything particularly important to talk about. It's been ages since I talked about anything going on; I've been in my own world a lot recently. That'll be coming to an end soon. 

I had this really vivid dream about cheesecake earlier and was super pissed when I woke up and there was no cheesecake. That’s not the dream that I want to talk about though. This other dream I had last night, was really weird. I dream about fighting when I’m stressed out. It’s one of those subconscious things I’ve begun to recognize about myself. I can have a dream about fighting someone, and know there’s a problem I’m not letting myself deal with and then spend some time alone and figuring my shit out until the fighting dreams stop. For someone who threatens to punch people in the face a lot, and actually takes pride in having punched a grown man in the face during a mosh pit, I hate fighting. I fucking hate it. I think it’s rude, and disgusting, and violent, and watching MMA made me cry once. I fucking hate fighting. I don’t even like arguing that much. 

So, I had this crap ass dream about fighting. Usually, my standard fighting nightmare features me arguing or fighting with the same person every time, so even though I wake up sweaty and short of breath, I can turn that off and go back to sleep rather quickly. This one was different. I was a student at my old elementary school and this girl kept following me. She was smaller than I was, and had curly blonde hair, and criticized every fucking thing I did. I slumped and had posture, I smelled weird, I wasn’t a good singer, I should give up…I didn’t matter what I did in the dream, this bitch kept running her goddamned mouth. My friends kept telling her to stop and I kept telling them to ignore her, but neither approach matter, because the bitch kept going. She ran her mouth until I couldn’t take it anymore and we started fighting. I let this little bitch have it before I woke up. I thought it was weird, but went to move about my day. 

I was getting my nails done, which I think of as a necessary evil. I love the end result and it keeps me from biting them to shit, but sitting still for an hour and letting someone touch me is personal torture. I slouched in my chair and reproached myself, “Stop slouching, everyone is going to think you’re a slob”. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. That little bitch in the dream was just another version of me*. The me that has been giving myself hell recently.

I got some shit to work on.

xo

*There's a school of psychology that thinks everyone in your dreams is you. I think it's Freud or Jung? I don't feel like googling this.

good riddance, two thousand and fifteen

i love new year’s eve. halloween is my favorite holiday, but new year’s eve is a super close first runner up. i love a good party. i love shiny clothes. i love fellowship, and hope for something new. this year was…garbage, to be quite honest. so this particular symbolic ending is very important to me. i have (privately) blogging since 2003 and most years since 2006 i have compiled an end of the year wrap up, so here we go…

THE BIG 2015 LIST [ALL IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER] 

-THINGS I LOVED ABOUT 2015

xtrmst @ the roxy

sirose’s wedding

liz’s 30th

bvb @ the fox

walk the moon @ the palladium 

age of ultron 30 people deep with my work family

my first trip to seattle 

my niece’s prom

sirose’s birthday party

louie’s birthday party

my niece’s graduation

my going away party

ed sheeran @ the hollywood bowl

sam hunt @ irvine meadows

anime expo ’15

comic con ’15

juliette and the licks @ the el rey 

darius rucker @ irvine meadows

warped tour 2015

scare la

hanging out with my mom so much

wedding/baby season

dear boy in store

becoming a sigma kappa advisor

taste of chaos 2015

florence + the machine at the bowl

good charlotte

annual friends disneyland christmas day 

star wars lightsaber battle

friendsmas dinner

the academy is… almost here 10 year reunion show

-THINGS I HATED ABOUT 2015

this year is always going to marred by two things in my memory; the death of my grandmother and leaving my job at apple. i don’t think i really need to espouse about that. quitting my last job was like a really bad break up, and i’m still having a hard time dealing with it; there’s a lot of shame and regret and what ifs and what nows in my mind.

-THE BEST ALBUMS OF 2015

sleater-kinney; no cities to love // marilyn manson; the pale emperor // fall out boy; american beauty/american psycho // falling in reverse; just like you // kelly clarkson; piece by piece // madonna; rebel heart // sleeping with sirens; madness // purity ring; another eternity // best coast; california nights // mumford & sons; wilder mind // florence + the machine; how big, how blue, how beautiful // muse; drones // adam lambert; the original high // of monsters & men; beneath the skin // ryn weaver; the fool // sam hunt; montevallo // passion pit; kindred // cold war kids; hold my home // carly rae jepson; emotion // hilary duff; breathe in. breathe out // the weeknd; beauty behind the madness // honeyeater; self titled ep // set it off; duality: stories unplugged // the neighborhood; wiped out // melanie martinez; cry baby // halsey; badlands // chvchers; every open eye // disclosure; caracal // grimes; art angels // ellie goulding; delirium // 5 seconds of summer; sounds good, feels good // justin bieber; purpose // one direction; Made in the AM // kid cudi; speedin bullet to heaven // kacey musgraves; pageant material // 

-THE BEST MOVIES OF 2015

jurassic world and the force awakens. duh. did anything else even come out this year? oh, inside out and cinderella. 

-THE BEST TV SHOWS OF 2015

i’m going to be lazy and go with parks and rec, because i just binge watched all seven seasons and am sad 2016 will not see new episodes of parks and rec.

-THE BEST BOOKS OF 2015

I read 21 books this year, which feels really low for me…but I also read a lot of comic books this year…anyway. I highly recommend; The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins (It’s being made into a movie in 2016, and it’s good. It gets a lot of comparisons to Gone Girl, but I don’t think the “reveal” in this book is as interesting, I saw it coming). The Pale Motel and Teen Spirit by Francesca Lia Block (I didn’t see the “reveal” in either of these coming until the last second, super juicy, but quick reads). Yes, Please by Amy Poehler (Is it cliche to say something changed your life? This book changed me). Love Letters to the Dead by Ava Dellaira, More Happy Than Not by Adam Silvera, and All the Rage by Courtney Summers, just solid teen fiction. 

-THINGS I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2016

taking the time to really figure out what i want out of my life and manifesting those things into my universe.

-2016 goals;

find fulfilling work

work/life balance

beautify my home life (my place kinda looks like leslie knope's)

revamp my wardrobe

eat better food

purge unwanted and unnecessary junk

spend more time outdoors

okay, so this is “funny”…while I was writing this, I was looking back and I found my goals from 5 years ago. It’s interesting to me how I completed most of them at that time, but now that cycle of my life has ended and I’m in a very similar place again… although, I still haven’t played dungeons and dragons. 

2011 goals;

-get a new job [the one i have will drive me crazy and ruin one of my relationships if i stay there for much longer].

-go to more shows [music and theatre. it's fun, good for the health, and something that needs to be done more often].

-get my fucking license [i'm 22 years old, this is just ridiculous].

-nurture my interpersonal relationships. [i feel like i have been throwing my own pity party and slacking on some of my relationships and this is clearly unacceptable. my friends are all i have.]

-start grad school/start my career [working a "job" just isn't my style. i have too much talent to let it go to waste at a 9-5].

-revamp my wardrobe [my size is changing and i'd really like to start dressing like a homeless ghetto hipster queen].

-handle my problems with strength, grace, and dignity [instead of crying and whining i will put on my big girl panties and take things head on].

-get another tattoo [i want like, five more. i need to get started].

-pierce my nose. (again) [i miss that little shiny hole in my face, it completed me]

-work on a piece of art every single day [i need to remain motivated and get things off of my artistic "to do" list].

-stand up for myself [i need to worry less about people loving me and more about people walking all over me]. 

-complete things on my bucket list [i'm tired of just looking at it and saying "someday". today is someday.].

-eliminate negative energy from my life [i'm over the drama. if you're not contributing to my life, then you're detracting from it. and i don't like it when people steal from me].

-travel [i miss nola, nyc, and everywhere i've been. i'm sure there are other beautiful places in the world for me to go to, fall in love with, and miss when i come back home]. 

--learn how to play d&d. 

have some random photos from this year, that i really enjoyed. 

15 Year Old Me or My Second Adolescence

I’ve been joking I’m in my second adolescence. I don’t know how much of a joke it is. I wore the same My Chemical Romance t-shirt two days in a row this weekend. I had been feeling like this for a while, and then a few weeks ago I came across this article; http://elitedaily.com/life/late-20s-adolescence/1266960/. Thank you, Zara Barrie! I don’t like this feeling, but I love this feeling. While I was not aware at the time, 15 year old me was one of the most badass people on the planet. Okay, part of me was aware of it, because I was both cocky and insecure. I suppose I still am. Anyway.

15 year old me knew she was on the verge of greatness. Her life sucked, but things were about to be so sweet. She was going to go a great liberal arts college far away from her small town and meet people who accepted and loved her. She did that. She was going to meet young men who weren’t afraid of her. She did that. She was going to spend most of her free time dancing in mosh pits and dark goth clubs. She did that. She had dreams and passions and she went after them. She staged protests in her high school quads and got into fights because she believed in things and people. 15 year old me had the skill that all teen age girls have; “…every single fucking thing a teenage girl has to deal with, they still manage to do something so mind blowing, yet completely simple: love, unabashedly.” (Quoted from one of my favorite tumblr posts ever. Yes, I’m citing tumblr, gtfo if you don’t like it). 15 year old me was loud and in your face because she was so full of love. Love for life, love for bands, love for fandoms, love for her friends, just crazy in love with any and everything. Her opinions were loud and brash and she had no problem expressing them. When she was sad she was fucking sad and she had no shame about it. She was honest as fuck. She laid the foundation for a pretty rad early 20's.

If I get to be that person again, but with the knowledge and experience I have again now, I will definitely take a second adolescence. Sign me the fuck up. I’ll deal with all of my awkward emotions, insecurities, and weirdness about where I am in life, if it means I get to be that loving, ridiculous, get shit done person I was then. I’m gonna listen to my music loud as fuck, have crushes on dudes, cry when I feel like it, and do all of the shit I haven’t been doing, because I was so busy trying to “adult”. Fuck it. What do I have to lose?

My filter for most big life altering decisions is; would 15 year old me be okay with this? And if I have to think about that answer, then I need to rethink my decision. I love time travel. Ya’ll know this. I continually think that someday a younger version of myself is going to show up out of nowhere, ala Disney’s The Kid, and I’m going to have some explaining to do. As a writer/musician/film maker, I have always wanted to make young adult media. Teenage girls have always been my target audience. I want to represent my younger self, who needed media that she saw herself in. I want to honor my younger self and all that she went through to make me the person I am now. 

Maybe 40 year old me, will feel the same about 20’s me. 

xo

the backward step

my brother taught me how to cha cha when i was a kid. it’s one of my favorite dances to do, because it’s easy. two steps forward, two backwards. 

robert brault said an optimist is “someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's a cha-cha.” been trying to live that recently. i haven’t really updated about me or life recently, because i took the backward step. i think (i’m stressing the, i think part) the big lesson i was supposed to get out of this is to not stop dancing. i got a job again. then i left that job and went back to freelancing. there’s a lot of other stuff that goes into that story, that i don’t really want to unpack, but i think if you’ve followed the blog you know why that was the backward step. 

i’ve been good. there’s the uncertainty and anxiety and self-deprecation that come with the backward step, but i’m still dancing and will figure out what the forward step is. i’ve been really big on the introspection and thinking about the coming year. i realized of the 27 new habits i wanted to cultivate this year and goals i had for the year; i worked diligently at 17 of them and i feel like i did a good job being true to them. and maybe in 2016 i need to make a shorter list.

as i’m looking to change things and figure out what i want my career to look like, the format of the blog might be changing a bit. i’m still playing with some ideas, so i don’t want to throw anything out there yet.

also, i should probably say that you won’t hear from me until the end of november, because my #nanowrimo project is still in the first act.