I’ve had this blog idea rolling around in the back of my head for a long time. In fact, the original draft was saved in 2017. I was learning about a word that’s since become warped and overused - boundaries. I guess you can understand why I was drawn to revisit this so recently.
The first thing that must be said - a boundary is a line that you draw for YOURSELF, where, if crosses, you have a pre-determined response. It’s NOT a set of rules to impose on someone else. It’s NOT a list of demands from partners. It’s NOT a way to control someone else’s behavior.
For example; “Drunk people make me uncomfortable, so I’m going to leave the party if there’s a lot of drunk folks”, is a boundary. “Drunk people make me uncomfortable, so no one can drink at the party”, is NOT a boundary. One is managing your own capacity for outside stimuli, the other is trying to control the outside stimuli to suit you. See the difference? The amount of folks who are confused on this point and calling controlling, manipulative behavior “boundary setting” are wildly upsetting.
Boundaries were one of the first things my old therapist wanted to work on with me. Being more intentional about how I spend my time and who I choose to spend it with; telling people no; removing myself from situations that don’t serve me. I was too open to people and situations that weren’t in alignment with the person that I was and the person that I wanted to become. Being an open and caring and loving person can invite all of the wrong people into your life - it makes you an easy victim. I can honestly say it’s so much easier and much more freeing to be able to say, “you do you, but I don’t have to be a part of it”.
I am not perfect, I am still very much working on living within my emotional means, and still get very upset when I am intentional in my actions and things don’t work out the way I thought or hoped they would. But - realizing that I am the only variable that I can control was life changing. I went from sacrificing everything for those I love, to setting boundaries to maintain healthy relationships, to finally honoring my feelings. I can be a little distant or hard to get ahold of, but I’m also protective of my peace and honest and very loved. It’s okay to be a little detached from others. (And this is the one I’m really struggling with) It’s okay to be detached from outcomes. People and situations are allowed to exist without our input or control. Go ahead and draw that line around yourself.
And for the love of god - don’t put yourself in stupid situations that are already pushing your limits and then get upset they don’t turn out the way you thought they would. You were already violating yourself, and you can’t blame someone else for that.