Honesty and Authenticity

I've been struggling with the blog since it came back. I'm not even going to lie. Trying to get a schedule together for all of the "themed" posts I have planned, getting photos taken, finding the time and inspiration to write. I'm not saying I've lost my passion; not at all. I think about this blog 24/7. I love it. I want it to blow up. I want it to be the punkrawk Goop. But, Gwenyth Paltrow has a team of minions and millions; and I'm "blogging on a budget" outside of my full time job. Poor me. I didn't mean for this to turn into a pity party. I'm just saying; it isn't easy. Anyone else who has a passion job knows they aren't easy. And I've been struggling. I found the time to sit down this weekend and re-work the schedule in a way that makes sense to me. I did a bombass photo shoot two weekends ago; and I'm brainstorming so I can book my next one soon and be AHEAD of my own curve. 

I've also struggled with what to post and how to post it. How honest should I be? What should I write about and what should I keep to myself? The post I wrote last week glossed over a few things; I left out the hours long crying jag I had to Zayn Malik's newest single the day before, because of...reasons. I mean, authenticity is my brand...BUT...I'm really weird and embarrassing. What do I reveal and when? This isn't just something I worry about with blogging; it's something that haunts me in "real" life all of the time. I'm a naturally honest and blunt person.  It's something I'm known for. I'm opinionated and loud and brash. It's been my thing since high school. In fact, over Memorial Day weekend I ran into an old classmate who said I was the "loud" one in our school days. While I like to think I've gained a better sense of discernment in the past ten years and am a bit more chill; I still stand for being honest. It's hardcoded into who I am. My mother raised me to mean "yes" when I say "yes, to mean "no" when I say "no", and to stand behind my words and actions. That said, there's a difference between lying and just choosing what you say to whom and when. One that I have a hard time with.

I've stated before this blog is going to be reflection and deconstruction of my life; and I suppose that means the ugly parts too. One of my biggest gripes with social media is that it lets people pick and choose and only play their highlight reel; leaving the rest of us to compare and judge a false image and come to bad conclusions. That's not what this blog is. At least, it shouldn't be. While I miss my live journal, and my older days on Tumblr (I've been Tumblin' since 2011 and boy oh boy, were there some old scorchers on there that told waaaaayyyy too much of my business); I don't think I need to expose all of my dirty laundry here. However; there are certain topics that I'd like to speak about, that if I told the whole story, exactly as it happens...well, there are some people who I frankly wouldn't want reading it. BUT. One of my best posts told the truth of the story, made me feel vulnerable and exposed in a way I never had before on this blog, and helped other people. And my biggest motivation for writing beyond the personal growth and healing it brings me, is for the growth and healing of others. It's a very clever balancing out I've got play here; a fine tight rope walk. Perhaps that's another reason I've got a high rope walker tattooed on my arm; it's a theme in my life. 

This isn't what I sat down to write and post, but it's what was on my mind and in my heart. So here it is. 

Until next time. Covfefe. xo.